Christmas and Holidays means a new way, new traditions, happy memories, memories filled with love.... maybe some tears, and definitely some laughter, but most importantly, love! I have my own Christmas horror story with my mom, and as I think back, (my daughters are the age I was, hmmmm, coincidence, something to ask my therapist?!? ), I remember that memory and and it makes me very sad to be honest. Yes, anger, but mostly, this sadness.... and a realization as to why I think I don't really do the "whole Christmas tree thing".
But worse than my memory, and even though the cycle is broken, there was a time when my children's father was not very loving and that is to put it mildly. In the end of 07, not just mine, but the girls lives were turned upside down, their dad just left and their mom was sick and then went nuts for a while >> that mom would be me, and I am forever sorry for that time when I was not there for them like they needed.
Christmas that year was horrible! And it is not just a painful memory for me, but for them as well, especially my oldest who remembers the most.... She has to write a story for school... she going to call it a "7-11 Christmas", because we went there for chili dogs on Christmas due to a "turkey disaster" and their father's rage..... she doesn't want me to read the story, because she is trying to protect me and thinks it will make me sad. I shared with her my "Christmas Tree Trauma" from my mom and it hurts me soooo much that she has to have one of those memories etched in her as well. I hope she will share with me, but I can't push it.
This year, I have to work on being there, not talking bad about there father, even in the little things that I think are no big deal, and I know that they will never have a memory like that as long as I can help it. I believe with my heart of hearts that they will not marry someone with the potential for the abuse that has been inflicted on them. It is not now, and he is not that way now, his biggest regret is that he did what he did and crossed lines he shouldn't have.... It has taken years to get to this point and will take many more to get to a point of true peace....
I wish painful memories could be deleted, like bink, push the delete button and it's gone... but it's not that way real life works. You can't just click an X in a corner of a box and it's gone... in computer settings you can even go in and delete the history, but once again, this can not be done in real life. The only real way to let it go is to give it to God. Give Him your burdens, your sorrow, your anger, let Him carry it, He is big enough. Sometimes professional counseling is needed and there is no shame in that, major child-hood abuse plays a huge role in your life as an adult.... any abuse does, but the more the severity of it, the worse its effects are as an adult. <3
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