indelibly marked

Coming from a dysfunctional home has affected me in so many ways.... emotionally, physically, and spiritually! I can honestly say I broke the cycle, not on my own by any mean, but by the grace of God and His help, I was able to conquer and overcome! It makes it hard to make attachments, we feel insecure, and it ripples over into your life.....

I remember moving out of my house when I was barely 17, thought this was the answer and it was, I had to get away from the woman that is my mother..... She had gone crazier than normal, was malicious and mean.... I remember crying night after night, "Mom, I miss you, I still need you, why don't you love me?" Now I can look back and know she did in her own weird way and that she couldn't love me with a healthy love.... you can't give what you don't have....

My own kids, they will NEVER have to endure what I went through, and they will never cry wondering if I love them, let alone think I don't! They will never doubt my love is my goal, and so far so good! lol   I see them, at their young age, so impressionable and so vulnerable... A person could get in their heads and mush it all up and then it takes years and the damage is irreversible and changes them forever, indelibly marked by abuse, it will change a child into the person they are and who they ultimately turn out to be as well.

I hope and pray that with all the negative and bad that my kids learn, that they will know that I always love them unconditionally..... that even though I have been shaped by abuse, that they will have a compassion and empathy by knowing what I went through.... And that they know that I love them NO MATTER WHAT they could ever possibly do, they will NEVER spend a night crying wondering and thinking that I don't love them.

I know God chose me and called me out and blessed me with two amazing daughters and I thank Him for them everyday and as much as I love them, I hope they know or will know at least someday, that He loves them EVEN more and calls them by name.... Some people, myself included, have been scarred by abuse, and as mentioned earlier, indelibly marked, but God can also leave an indelible mark of His love and He will NEVER EVER let go.... even when people fail them, when I mess up and hurt them at times, may they know that they are loved!!! indelibly loved!! <3