So I have had insomnia tonight, I feel so alone, and I feel like if I stop and lay down I will just cry.... I feel like I'm a mess.... emotionally, physically, even spiritually..... Anyway, so I was on facebook tonight, cuz that's what "insomniacs" do, "fiddle-fart" to kill the time as the seconds click away and each time you look up to see what time it is, your like, arg! This can't be happening to me... I know it is with the holidays and I know I have C-PTSD, complex post traumatic stress disorder, and it might have me now, but it won't win, cuz I got a God whose BIGGER than my past and my problems that haunt me.... I thought I was going crazy, but after doing alot of research, I'm like, wow, this is EXACTLY how I feel, what I'm feeling, and how life is affecting me, now that I know WHAT it is, I can deal with it!
I let it out while in a closed group on fb and here is what I wrote: There was a woman whose story included chronic pain and numbing it with vodka, therapy, and issues with men.... here was my response:
I can so relate, your story about vodka and pain, therapy, and life feeling like it is out of control!! And I don't think the holidays are helping, at least they're not for me!!! I am struggling with a case of horrible insomnia... I feel like if I stop I will just burst into tears i feel so much crap, and it's not just my health, my ex-husband, omg, he is awful, esp around the holidays and he came over and "waylayed" me the other day about picking on every little thing, when he was SUPPOSED to be picking up the girls, but no, 25 min he went off in front of them.... my oldest was like, is it pick on mom Nite dad? And you know what else really sucks, I had a partial hyst (uter only only) end of 07, my marriage at the time was already SO strained, we had even looked at moving and relocating, but it didn't work out and my surgery didn't work out and I was in there for 20 days over 4 or 5 diff stays, with 10 days being my longest.... and my NOW ex-husband of 13 years went "bonkers" (and that is putting it extremely nice!!!!!) and he was abusive and horrible to me and the girls while I was at my worst.... even with 4 more surgeries and a pic line for 7 weeks after, and my fibro flared and I was left alone with a 7 and an 11 year old.... and that Christmas, I had to take my daughters to 7-11 for chili chz dogs cuz he was so so mean..... and he signed up for the military and left for 5 months in jan of 08. while i was sick in the hospital end of 07, he was like 34 at the time, he signed up for the national guard... to prove himself, be disciplined, be a man, get in shape so he can look like the cover of men's health (yes, he said that even), but now it was all for his family.... he tells me, i left you TEMPORARILY, i didn't leave the marriage.... but BEFORE he signed up for the military I said no, don't do it, if you do, that;s it... the recruiter just wants his #s... plz don't do it, please.... he did, and when I said i wanted a divorce it was my fault, cuz we had a rule that we wudn't mention the "D" word wile fiting.... like that rule applies to petty stuff and hello! HE hurt me and my girls so bad.... and now, he still hurts me and thinks it's ok, cuz I deserve it cuz i don't want to work out the marriage.... we tried end of 08, but it didn't work, cuz he is rigid, he makes everyone live by rules but he doesn't have to cuz he has compared himself to Jesus when it comes to leaving me and joining the military... he is so awful, and he is so vindictive.... what's ironic, i came from a VERY disfunctional home, just me and my mom, and i met him (we are legally seperated and have been for a few years now), anyway, went from my mom to him, wen i was barely turning 17 yrs old....i look now, omg, my mom, my incubator as I now like to call her, is so selfish and a lot like my ex.... and hurtful, vindictive and spiteful.... and i try everything in the book... nothing i do will ever be good enuf and until i will see how BAD and AWFUL i am, he will have to treat me like this, cuz i need to see it, well, guess what?!? we aren't together for a reason.... and the holidays are just bringing so many memories and emotions that I feel like crying... i did wile typing this.... omg, i feel way better.... thanks and i understand if you didn't read it all.... just had to get those feelings out.... tx again!!!! ♥
And a wonderful lady replied:Crazy-ness miss! Can't wait to talk to you more! My response to that: i feel crazy!! im gonna be 36 in a few months and i shouldn't be feeling this way!!! i've been doing a lot of research on childhood abuse and i am "de-thawing" and it sux!!! but I have God, and I know with Him I can make it thru anything, and He also blessed me with the most wonderful daughters in the world.... and I know it will be ok, but right now im a non-functioning, or should i say auto-pilot functioning blubbering mess.....
Once I started typing a flood gate of tears opened, but even though I still felt somewhat alone, I also felt connected to some wonderful women as well!! I am gonna try and get some sleep. It is 4 am and I feel like I can finally rest and my mind will let me and my emotions are more stable.... I think I can lay down now without just curling up and crying and get some sleep... til next time, Me
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