Found Voices

I have recently found "my voice". For years I was dominated by a woman who told me how to think and feel, and as a young child I learned NOT to trust my own voice.... Now, I have found that I can trust my own experiences, have my point of view, and my feelings and emotions about something, even if someone else feels differently.... If nothing else, I have found me, and my voice, and not just that, but the quiet voice of God, guiding me through this process of recovery and regaining my strength.

From a support group I am in, they too, are sharing.... opening up, not being afraid of the truth... and willing to share it if it helps others.... Here are their stories, and in reading them, you may find yourself in them and realize, you too, have a voice, and don't be afraid to speak up, cuz the truth really will set you free, if not, we will continue with destructive relationships without even realizing it....

*names changed

Adam's story:
I AM a survivor of child abuse. No longer will I hide behind the folds of smiles and masks that pretend normalcy and only keep the family secret alive. I will be bold in who I am because we are all broken in some way, and I can only learn healthier ways to live when the secret is spoken to anyone who might be able to help me. I will not get embarrassed and silent when others talk about their childhood. I will learn when to speak boldly and truthfully. No, child abuse does not define me! It gives me an experience of strength that God can turn into beauty. But do not tell me to move on and avoid the past. It stares at me every time I try to trust again or seek to make friendships. I can't run from it any more! I did that for way too long and learned that running away from it doesn't work. I will look at it and learn! How can I let go and forgive if I don't first see what I have been holding? How can I grieve the childhood I lost and the years and friendships that were hurt unless I know why? How can I avoid destructive relationships unless I see how my abuse leads me into them? Soon, the smile on my face will not be broken by small situations triggering me! Soon, I will rejoice with friends and God that I am truly free from my past! I am a survivor of child abuse. And I speak loudly because it is the truth...and maybe one other person will hear and break their silence. I AM a survivor of child abuse! That means I survived and triumphed!

Sarah's Story in response to Adam:
I just want to say that it is so refreshing and inspirational to read this post. You expressed it so well, and I can surely identify. The very first thing that hit me when I read it was the absence of 'fear' in it, and that is so important in this journey of recovery because fear can keep us so 'stuck'. What I see in it is that you broke free of being stuck, and can move forward with confidence - owning your 'truth' - your 'own' truth. And in the final analysis, we all have our 'own' truth because I have found that no one else lived the life that I lived. Even siblings don't have 'exactly' the same life experience - due to their roles in the family. Who can really know what we experienced but 'we' ourselves. And we owe it to ourselves to 'own' it, and never let anyone take it from us.

I had my truth robbed from me very early in life by the means of fear, guilt and shame - effective tactics of abusers - so I lived the first 41 years in total denial of all truth, and in the process, I lost my 'self'. With no strong and healthy 'self', it was like a I was at the mercy of the wind and rain - most definitely those who told me what to do, what to think, and even what to believe. The beginning of recovery was to recover my 'self' from the rubble of my past - to go back and see how, when and where I lost it to begin with. One thing you said in your post reminded me of an experience I had, back then. My family had a great emotional hold on my mind, so I had to stay away from them as I did my work of finding my answers. Of course, this was totally unacceptable to them, and they used everything they could to 'get me back in line', so to speak. My mind was so vulnerable, I couldn't even speak on the phone to them, or read anything they sent me. I remember my mother sent me a book called "Forgive and Forget". And the first thing that hit me was "I have to 'remember' before I can 'forget'". I needed the 'truth' of my life and my past to be able to understand myself better, and also, to find the wounds that needed healing.

I guess I should have realized then that it was never going to be an easy journey - this journey of recovery - and it hasn't been 'easy' - but it is very 'simple'. And it's a fantastic journey that I wouldn't trade for anything because with every answer I have found in myself, there has been an equal step of growth - an overcoming of a fear that held me back. Not that we never 'feel' fear or sadness, or any other emotion - we do. But there comes a times when we can simply 'feel' our emotions without being slaves to them. We can 'feel' them without letting them dictate our behaviors. We can 'feel' them, and then just let them go.

Years ago, I pondered what the word 'success' means. And I am sure my definition is different than most of the world's. I have never had a lot of money, or owned a big house, or had a prestigious job, but I know that I am more 'successful' than most people because I know how far I have come - from where I started to where I am - and how much I have overcome.

I share your sentiments that if my story just helps one person find what I have found, it will be worth it. Thank you for this post. I know that "flesh and blood has not revealed this truth to you". The same Jesus that heals, and reveals truth to me, can also reveal it to someone half a world away - the same 'truth'. The names and faces may be the different but the 'truth' is always the same.

There is so much paradox involved in recovery. It is only by seeing ourselves of 'victims' of abuse, and dealling with that truth, that we can come to a place of being able to 'not' live as victims throughout our lives. It is the only the people who fear going back and seeing their pasts that end up being 'victims' of their past. The Truth does set us free!!!