Thanksgiving ptsd moment

I sat down at the dinner table and the memories of long ago floods black.  I was probably 14,give or take a year ish and my mom didn't want cook out do anything. I did of course like a Normal American kid- so she finally took me to this old hotel diner and we had the worst last of the food. She was a Bitch about it the entire time.  On the way home- it was about 2 miles out of town- there was some car issue-if I remember correctly a tire.  Of course it was my fault. I don't believe that-that's what she said and what she made me feel.  It was awful.... and that's just one pleasant holiday memory.  And so I did some self soothing, even stepped away and cried some of it out away from people.  Holidays are very hard for some people- worse more so for some and the simple act of pulling up to the table can bring your memories bubbling out while we try and hide it. But we also fight it and are not victims of the past- but survivors in the present.  Please show compassion, especially during the holiday season, you never know what a person is going through.  Built some new memories and hope they continue.  Happy Thanksgiving to all who have not always had the happiest of Thanksgivings.  ♥

learning every day......

 Today is another day on the path to healing. Every day is really. I see a little more, forgive a little more, live a little more. I deserve to be happy, I deserve to be loved, I deserve good things. Growing up in a dysfunctional home, a lot of times we put other people's need in front of our own. learning to love again.....

Do you.... ?

Do you know I have your dimples dad?
Do you know I have your your eyes mom?
Do you think of me as much as I do you?
Do you wonder how I'm doing?
Do you wonder who I've become?
Do you regret?
Do you wish things were different?
Do you care now?
Do you ponder change?
Do you have it in you?
Do you?

Dealing with my mom being in hospital

My mom is in the hospital and died for a moment and they brought her back! Idk what or how to feel cuz it's so much to take in. 

facing the hurts

It's quiet in the house and the girls are both out with friends.... The other day I heard that April was "Childhood Awareness Month". My Birthday, April Fool's Day! It really is!! So my first thought, Is this some cosmic joke? There's the anger part.... and then the more politically correct answer is, Childhood abuse is no laughing matter as the latter part of the sentence. As I am in therapy and dealing with stuff and actually facing it, it has been hard and painful.... lots of tears and much frustration just touch the surface how all this makes me feel. Then not only the childhood abuse part, but also losing my husband, (not to death) but to the bonds that hold him and his new identity. We all change, and I know that I have fallen, hurt and been hurt, but hopefully in the end, growth and strength. I know it will take time and I have to give myself time to heal, and I will walk this dark valley, and I know that even though I can't see Him, God is VERY real and will not let go of me. It doesn't mean I won't stumble in my humanity and even trip and maybe hit the ground, but in the end, His touch, His hand over my life, He will keep me from going completely under and will keep me from drowning in the painful ocean of hurts that seem to be tossing me all about... Even though the therapy is very emotional and sometimes very hard, I am going to continue. I feel that this is where I need to be and with this (and God) I will be able to heal and not carry the shame of it being mine ever again!

This Mother's Day

Mother's day has come and gone... another year without you in my life.... and i feel stronger than I have in a long time.... I was "emotionally struggling" right up to this day, but once it was here, my kids and my family and friends made it WONDERFUL!! And I think I must be healing, know, I know I am, cuz I was able to actually enjoy today FOR ME!! I love you girls and you are what keeps me gong right now.... and God, never letting me go, even if I feel lost in the fog, trying to hold on, but I know You are holding me (and mines). ♥

what's been going on

I haven't posted much lately... lots of health issues and basicly two teen age daughters and single motherhood.... so hard and feel so burned out and worn out..... doc tried me on some new med, didn't work at all.... foggy, off, cry, forgetful, it's not good (depakote er).... good to know it's med induced at least..... got an update on my abusive mother I don't and can't have a relationship with.... tried once as an adult, been almost 20 years since I moved back, and it is what it is and I can't change that.... so here's what is supposedly going on.... according to my aunt, my mom's health is bad.... she's smoked my whole life and now hers, and she won't quit, idk if it's to get attention or my attention, she faked cancer and blamed me when I was a kid.... but she could be.... but it's been 19 years since I moved out, my mom disowned me cuz she is an all or nothing person and abusive..... it may sound weird, but it felt good to know she was alive and well out there tho..... I am giving this one to God!!! have to.... over and over if I HAVE to!!! thanks for letting me vent and all the support!! ♥