Saturday, December 24, 2011
a weird connection
ok, so I had an emotional moment tonight.... glad my doc has me on valium.... i am calmed and gonna be ok..... but CRAZY thing, my mom, she had nightmares of monsters and such (she wrote "her story") and I found an old poem of mine and it is so similiar with shadows and monsters..... I know she never wanted me to have her pain, but I did.... and I have to forgive, can't have a relationship with her, but I can forgive with the compassion of another that was abused! What a weird connection for me to share with her to aid in my understanding and compassion......
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
supposed to....
I was supposed to graduate high school is 94, but when I was starting my junior year, I should have been worrying about SATS, and credits, and prom, and..... but no, my life at home was more than turmoil, it had become dangerous. So I got out! Just turned 17, and my mom was at work and I moved into my first tiny little apt. it was small, but it was mine.... and instead of going to high school, I got my GED, in 93, and did lots and lots of counseling! I used to regret not getting my high school diploma, but now, 20 years later, I can look back and know that it's ok.... I made it out, and with the help of God and my wonderful daughters, broke the cycle and doing things differently!! And knowing what I know now, I am so blessed to be where I am today! Thank you Lord for NEVER giving up on me and helping me through EVERYTHING!!!
Friday, December 16, 2011
Happy Birthday Mom
So today is December 16th, my mother's birthday. We do not have a relationship, I can't pick up a phone and just say Happy Birthday! (Her phone is broke now and I feel bad cuz there is a part of me that's like haha, but I know that's just vindictive and I don't really mean it.) For years I have dreaded this day, but this year, I'm gonna take my valium... lol!!! But seriously, I am 35 and she turns 58 today, hard to believe... I am learning to make peace with my past and going forward..... but today will always be bitter-sweet for me, Happy Birthday Mom, I really do love you! (I just can't have a relationship because she is SO unhealthy and it is catastrophic for me to be in one with her, if I could though, I would). And being here, I know I have made it forward and will continue to do so!
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
So last night we had some drama here at the home-front..... Just stuff with kids, but wow, it HAD to be addressed.... and while I was doing something, I shared with my daughters how and why I finally got the courage to leave home, at just turned 17, I should have been worrying about high school, boys, a part time job, acne.....but instead, my teenage life was not ideal!
I can say, not just "well, considering her mom, or anything with my mom in it", cuz everything I've done and worked for have been to be different from her. 20 years later, I can finally say what happened to me, and I am glad God chose me and WE (God and me, in that order), have broken the cycle! Thank you Lord for making me not a better mom, a completely different one, for changing me from the inside out, for helping me to use what should have destroyed me, to making me stronger and for what ever reason, You chose me to break the cycle!! And you NEVER give up on me or my girls... You hold our little family in the palm of Your hand and NEVER let go!!!
I can say, not just "well, considering her mom, or anything with my mom in it", cuz everything I've done and worked for have been to be different from her. 20 years later, I can finally say what happened to me, and I am glad God chose me and WE (God and me, in that order), have broken the cycle! Thank you Lord for making me not a better mom, a completely different one, for changing me from the inside out, for helping me to use what should have destroyed me, to making me stronger and for what ever reason, You chose me to break the cycle!! And you NEVER give up on me or my girls... You hold our little family in the palm of Your hand and NEVER let go!!!
Friday, December 9, 2011
wonderful online article about CPTSD and memory loss and childhood abuse
The Invisible Epidemic: Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Memory and the Brain
J. Douglas Bremner, M.D.
website url for this article:http://www.thedoctorwillseeyounow.com/content/stress/art1964.html?getPage=1
Dr. Bremner is a faculty member of the Departments of Diagnostic Radiology and Psychiatry, Yale University School of Medicine, Yale Psychiatric Institute, and National Center for PTSD-VA Connecticut Healthcare System.
The research reviewed in this article was supported by an NIH-sponsored General Clinical Research Center (GCRC) Clinical Associate Physician (CAP) Award and a VA Research Career Development Award to Dr. Bremner, and the National Center for PTSD Grant.
Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is something of an invisible epidemic. The events underlying it are often mysterious and always unpleasant. It is certainly far more widespread than most people realize. For example, a prime cause of PTSD is childhood sexual abuse. About 16% of American women (about 40 million) are sexually abused (including rape, attempted rape, or other form of molestation) before they reach their 18th birthday.(1)
Childhood abuse may be the most common cause of PTSD in American women, 10% of whom suffer from PTSD (compared to 5% for men) at some time in their lives,(2) but many other types of psychological trauma can cause the disorder — car accidents, military combat, rape and assault. Symptoms of PTSD include intrusive memories, nightmares, flashbacks, increased vigilance, social impairment and problems with memory and concentration.
It's Not Just Psychological
While such symptoms are commonly understood to be psychological problems, some or all of them may well be related to the physical effects of extreme stress on the brain.(3)(4)
Recent studies have shown that victims of childhood abuse and combat veterans actually experience physical changes to the hippocampus, a part of the brain involved in learning and memory, as well as in the handling of stress.(5) The hippocampus also works closely with the medial prefrontal cortex, an area of the brain that regulates our emotional response to fear and stress. PTSD sufferers often have impairments in one or both of these brain regions. Studies of children have found that these impairments can lead to problems with learning and academic achievement.
Other typical symptoms of PTSD in children, including fragmentation of memory, intrusive memories, flashbacks, dissociation (or the unconscious separation of some mental processes from the others, e.g., a mismatch between facial expression and thought or mood), and pathological ("sick") emotions, may also be related to impairment of the hippocampus.(6) Damage to the hippocampus, which processes memory, may explain why victims of childhood abuse often seem to have incomplete or delayed recall of their abusive experiences.
A Disease of Memory
Memory problems play a large part in PTSD. PTSD patients report deficits in declarative memory (remembering facts or lists — see below), fragmentation of memory and dissociative amnesia (gaps in memory lasting from minutes to days that are not caused by ordinary forgetting).
Psychiatric Symptoms Associated with Childhood Abuse
PTSD
Nightmares
Flashbacks
Memory and concentration problems
Hyperarousal
Hypervigilance
Intrusive memories
Avoidance
Abnormal startle reponses
Feeling worse when reminded of trauma
Dissociative
Out-of-body experiences
Derealization
Amnesia
Fragmented sense of self and identity
Anxiety
Panic attacks
Claustrophobia
Substance Abuse
Alcoholism
Drug addiction
Many abuse victims report that they remember seemingly random or minor details of the abuse event, while forgetting central events. For instance, one woman who had been locked in a closet had an isolated memory of the smell of old clothes and the sound of a clock ticking. Later, she connected these details with feelings of intense fear; only then was she able to recall the whole picture of what had happened to her. PTSD also causes problems with non-declarative memory (subconscious or motor memory, such as remembering how to ride a bicycle). This can show up as abnormal conditioned responses and the reliving of traumatic experiences when something happens to remind the sufferer of past abuse. These types of memory disturbance may also be related to physical changes in the hippocampus and medial prefrontal cortex.
How Psychological Trauma Affects the Hippocampus and Memory
Childhood abuse and other sources of extreme stress can have lasting effects on the parts of the brain that are involved in memory and emotion. The hippocampus, in particular, seems to be very sensitive to stress.(8)(9)(10)(11)(12)(13)(14)(15)(16) Damage to the hippocampus from stress can not only cause problems in dealing with memories and other effects of past stressful experiences, it can also impair new learning.(17)(18) Exciting recent research has shown that the hippocampus has the capacity to regenerate nerve cells ("neurons") as part of its normal functioning, and that stress impairs that functioning by stopping or slowing down neuron regeneration.(19)(20)
We recently conducted a study to try to see if PTSD symptoms matched up with a measurable loss of neurons in the hippocampus. We first tested Vietnam combat veterans with declaratory memory problems caused by PTSD.(21) Using brain imaging, these combat veterans were found to have an 8% reduction in right hippocampal volume (i.e., the size of the hippocampus), measured with magnetic resonance imaging (MRI), while no differences were found in other areas of the brain (Figure 1).
Our study showed that diminished right hippocampal volume in the PTSD patients was associated with short-term memory loss.(22) Similar results were found when we looked at PTSD sufferers who were victims of childhood physical or sexual abuse.(23)(24)
More recent studies have since confirmed hippocampal volume reduction in PTSD(25)(26) These studies also show that hippocampal volume reduction is specific to PTSD and is not associated with disorders such as anxiety or panic disorders.(27)
Further study on the question of memory and the hippocampus may some day shed light on the controversy surrounding delayed recall, or so-called "recovered memories" of childhood abuse. The hippocampus plays an important role in connecting and organizing different aspects of a memory and is thought to be responsible for locating the memory of an event in its proper time, place and context.
We suspect that damage to the hippocampus following exposure to the stress brought on by childhood abuse leads to distortion and fragmentation of memories. For instance, in the case of the PTSD sufferer who was locked in a closet as a child, she had a memory of the smell of old clothes but other parts of her memory of the experience, such as a visual memory of being in the closet or a memory of the feeling of fear, are difficult to retrieve or completely lost. In cases like this, psychotherapy or an event that triggers similar emotions may help the patient restore associations and bring all aspects of the memory together.
This new understanding of the way childhood trauma affects memory and the brain has important implications for public health policy. One example would be the case of inner-city children who have witnessed violent crimes in their neighborhoods and families. If this kind of stress can cause damage to brain areas involved in learning and memory, it would put these children at a serious academic disadvantage in ways and for reasons that programs such as Head Start may be unable to address. Studies confirm this: in war-torn Beirut, traumatized adolescents with PTSD, as compared to non-traumatized adolescents who were without PTSD, lagged behind in academic achievement.(28)
PTSD and Other Brain Areas
Besides the hippocampus, abnormalities of other brain areas, including medial prefrontal cortex, are also associated with PTSD.
The medial prefrontal cortex regulates emotional and fear responses.(29) The medial prefrontal cortex is closely linked to the hippocampus. In several studies we have found dysfunction of both the medial prefrontal cortex and the hippocampus at times when patients were suffering from PTSD symptoms.(31)
We believe that dysfunction in these medial prefrontal regions may underlie pathological emotional responses in patients with PTSD.(30) For example, we sometimes see a failure of extinction of fear responses — a rape victim who was raped in a dark alley will have fear reactions to dark places for years after the original event, even though there is no threat associated with a particular dark place. In a study using combat-related slides and sounds to provoke PTSD symptoms, combat veterans with PTSD had decreased blood flow in the area of the medial prefrontal cortex. Significantly, this did not occur in combat veterans without PTSD32 We saw similar results when we compared women with PTSD and a history of childhood sexual abuse to women with a history of abuse but no PTSD.
The good news is that treatments for PTSD result in an improvement in the brain(33). Treatment with paroxetine for up to a year in PTSD patients resulted in significant improvements in verbal declarative memory and a 4.6% increase in mean hippocampal volume(34). Studies have also shown an increase in right hippocampal and cerebral cortical brain volume with treatment with phenytoin in PTSD(35). Still other recent studies have also shown changes in the brain with psychotherapy for PTSD.
Conclusion
Traumatic stress, such as that caused by childhood sexual abuse, can have far-reaching effects on the brain and its functions. Recent studies indicate that extreme stress can cause measurable physical changes in the hippocampus and medial prefrontal cortex, two areas of the brain involved in memory and emotional response. These changes can, in turn, lead not only to classic PTSD symptoms, such as loss and distortion of memory of events surrounding the abuse, but also to ongoing problems with learning and remembering new information. These findings may help explain the controversial phenomenon of "recovered" or delayed memories. They also suggest that how we educate, rehabilitate and treat PTSD sufferers may need to be reconsidered.
March 1, 2000
J. Douglas Bremner, M.D.
website url for this article:http://www.thedoctorwillseeyounow.com/content/stress/art1964.html?getPage=1
Dr. Bremner is a faculty member of the Departments of Diagnostic Radiology and Psychiatry, Yale University School of Medicine, Yale Psychiatric Institute, and National Center for PTSD-VA Connecticut Healthcare System.
The research reviewed in this article was supported by an NIH-sponsored General Clinical Research Center (GCRC) Clinical Associate Physician (CAP) Award and a VA Research Career Development Award to Dr. Bremner, and the National Center for PTSD Grant.
Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is something of an invisible epidemic. The events underlying it are often mysterious and always unpleasant. It is certainly far more widespread than most people realize. For example, a prime cause of PTSD is childhood sexual abuse. About 16% of American women (about 40 million) are sexually abused (including rape, attempted rape, or other form of molestation) before they reach their 18th birthday.(1)
Childhood abuse may be the most common cause of PTSD in American women, 10% of whom suffer from PTSD (compared to 5% for men) at some time in their lives,(2) but many other types of psychological trauma can cause the disorder — car accidents, military combat, rape and assault. Symptoms of PTSD include intrusive memories, nightmares, flashbacks, increased vigilance, social impairment and problems with memory and concentration.
It's Not Just Psychological
While such symptoms are commonly understood to be psychological problems, some or all of them may well be related to the physical effects of extreme stress on the brain.(3)(4)
Recent studies have shown that victims of childhood abuse and combat veterans actually experience physical changes to the hippocampus, a part of the brain involved in learning and memory, as well as in the handling of stress.(5) The hippocampus also works closely with the medial prefrontal cortex, an area of the brain that regulates our emotional response to fear and stress. PTSD sufferers often have impairments in one or both of these brain regions. Studies of children have found that these impairments can lead to problems with learning and academic achievement.
Other typical symptoms of PTSD in children, including fragmentation of memory, intrusive memories, flashbacks, dissociation (or the unconscious separation of some mental processes from the others, e.g., a mismatch between facial expression and thought or mood), and pathological ("sick") emotions, may also be related to impairment of the hippocampus.(6) Damage to the hippocampus, which processes memory, may explain why victims of childhood abuse often seem to have incomplete or delayed recall of their abusive experiences.
A Disease of Memory
Memory problems play a large part in PTSD. PTSD patients report deficits in declarative memory (remembering facts or lists — see below), fragmentation of memory and dissociative amnesia (gaps in memory lasting from minutes to days that are not caused by ordinary forgetting).
Psychiatric Symptoms Associated with Childhood Abuse
PTSD
Nightmares
Flashbacks
Memory and concentration problems
Hyperarousal
Hypervigilance
Intrusive memories
Avoidance
Abnormal startle reponses
Feeling worse when reminded of trauma
Dissociative
Out-of-body experiences
Derealization
Amnesia
Fragmented sense of self and identity
Anxiety
Panic attacks
Claustrophobia
Substance Abuse
Alcoholism
Drug addiction
Many abuse victims report that they remember seemingly random or minor details of the abuse event, while forgetting central events. For instance, one woman who had been locked in a closet had an isolated memory of the smell of old clothes and the sound of a clock ticking. Later, she connected these details with feelings of intense fear; only then was she able to recall the whole picture of what had happened to her. PTSD also causes problems with non-declarative memory (subconscious or motor memory, such as remembering how to ride a bicycle). This can show up as abnormal conditioned responses and the reliving of traumatic experiences when something happens to remind the sufferer of past abuse. These types of memory disturbance may also be related to physical changes in the hippocampus and medial prefrontal cortex.
How Psychological Trauma Affects the Hippocampus and Memory
Childhood abuse and other sources of extreme stress can have lasting effects on the parts of the brain that are involved in memory and emotion. The hippocampus, in particular, seems to be very sensitive to stress.(8)(9)(10)(11)(12)(13)(14)(15)(16) Damage to the hippocampus from stress can not only cause problems in dealing with memories and other effects of past stressful experiences, it can also impair new learning.(17)(18) Exciting recent research has shown that the hippocampus has the capacity to regenerate nerve cells ("neurons") as part of its normal functioning, and that stress impairs that functioning by stopping or slowing down neuron regeneration.(19)(20)
We recently conducted a study to try to see if PTSD symptoms matched up with a measurable loss of neurons in the hippocampus. We first tested Vietnam combat veterans with declaratory memory problems caused by PTSD.(21) Using brain imaging, these combat veterans were found to have an 8% reduction in right hippocampal volume (i.e., the size of the hippocampus), measured with magnetic resonance imaging (MRI), while no differences were found in other areas of the brain (Figure 1).
Our study showed that diminished right hippocampal volume in the PTSD patients was associated with short-term memory loss.(22) Similar results were found when we looked at PTSD sufferers who were victims of childhood physical or sexual abuse.(23)(24)
More recent studies have since confirmed hippocampal volume reduction in PTSD(25)(26) These studies also show that hippocampal volume reduction is specific to PTSD and is not associated with disorders such as anxiety or panic disorders.(27)
Further study on the question of memory and the hippocampus may some day shed light on the controversy surrounding delayed recall, or so-called "recovered memories" of childhood abuse. The hippocampus plays an important role in connecting and organizing different aspects of a memory and is thought to be responsible for locating the memory of an event in its proper time, place and context.
We suspect that damage to the hippocampus following exposure to the stress brought on by childhood abuse leads to distortion and fragmentation of memories. For instance, in the case of the PTSD sufferer who was locked in a closet as a child, she had a memory of the smell of old clothes but other parts of her memory of the experience, such as a visual memory of being in the closet or a memory of the feeling of fear, are difficult to retrieve or completely lost. In cases like this, psychotherapy or an event that triggers similar emotions may help the patient restore associations and bring all aspects of the memory together.
This new understanding of the way childhood trauma affects memory and the brain has important implications for public health policy. One example would be the case of inner-city children who have witnessed violent crimes in their neighborhoods and families. If this kind of stress can cause damage to brain areas involved in learning and memory, it would put these children at a serious academic disadvantage in ways and for reasons that programs such as Head Start may be unable to address. Studies confirm this: in war-torn Beirut, traumatized adolescents with PTSD, as compared to non-traumatized adolescents who were without PTSD, lagged behind in academic achievement.(28)
PTSD and Other Brain Areas
Besides the hippocampus, abnormalities of other brain areas, including medial prefrontal cortex, are also associated with PTSD.
The medial prefrontal cortex regulates emotional and fear responses.(29) The medial prefrontal cortex is closely linked to the hippocampus. In several studies we have found dysfunction of both the medial prefrontal cortex and the hippocampus at times when patients were suffering from PTSD symptoms.(31)
We believe that dysfunction in these medial prefrontal regions may underlie pathological emotional responses in patients with PTSD.(30) For example, we sometimes see a failure of extinction of fear responses — a rape victim who was raped in a dark alley will have fear reactions to dark places for years after the original event, even though there is no threat associated with a particular dark place. In a study using combat-related slides and sounds to provoke PTSD symptoms, combat veterans with PTSD had decreased blood flow in the area of the medial prefrontal cortex. Significantly, this did not occur in combat veterans without PTSD32 We saw similar results when we compared women with PTSD and a history of childhood sexual abuse to women with a history of abuse but no PTSD.
The good news is that treatments for PTSD result in an improvement in the brain(33). Treatment with paroxetine for up to a year in PTSD patients resulted in significant improvements in verbal declarative memory and a 4.6% increase in mean hippocampal volume(34). Studies have also shown an increase in right hippocampal and cerebral cortical brain volume with treatment with phenytoin in PTSD(35). Still other recent studies have also shown changes in the brain with psychotherapy for PTSD.
Conclusion
Traumatic stress, such as that caused by childhood sexual abuse, can have far-reaching effects on the brain and its functions. Recent studies indicate that extreme stress can cause measurable physical changes in the hippocampus and medial prefrontal cortex, two areas of the brain involved in memory and emotional response. These changes can, in turn, lead not only to classic PTSD symptoms, such as loss and distortion of memory of events surrounding the abuse, but also to ongoing problems with learning and remembering new information. These findings may help explain the controversial phenomenon of "recovered" or delayed memories. They also suggest that how we educate, rehabilitate and treat PTSD sufferers may need to be reconsidered.
March 1, 2000
insomnia ramblings and C-PTSD :\
So I have had insomnia tonight, I feel so alone, and I feel like if I stop and lay down I will just cry.... I feel like I'm a mess.... emotionally, physically, even spiritually..... Anyway, so I was on facebook tonight, cuz that's what "insomniacs" do, "fiddle-fart" to kill the time as the seconds click away and each time you look up to see what time it is, your like, arg! This can't be happening to me... I know it is with the holidays and I know I have C-PTSD, complex post traumatic stress disorder, and it might have me now, but it won't win, cuz I got a God whose BIGGER than my past and my problems that haunt me.... I thought I was going crazy, but after doing alot of research, I'm like, wow, this is EXACTLY how I feel, what I'm feeling, and how life is affecting me, now that I know WHAT it is, I can deal with it!
I let it out while in a closed group on fb and here is what I wrote: There was a woman whose story included chronic pain and numbing it with vodka, therapy, and issues with men.... here was my response:
I can so relate, your story about vodka and pain, therapy, and life feeling like it is out of control!! And I don't think the holidays are helping, at least they're not for me!!! I am struggling with a case of horrible insomnia... I feel like if I stop I will just burst into tears i feel so much crap, and it's not just my health, my ex-husband, omg, he is awful, esp around the holidays and he came over and "waylayed" me the other day about picking on every little thing, when he was SUPPOSED to be picking up the girls, but no, 25 min he went off in front of them.... my oldest was like, is it pick on mom Nite dad? And you know what else really sucks, I had a partial hyst (uter only only) end of 07, my marriage at the time was already SO strained, we had even looked at moving and relocating, but it didn't work out and my surgery didn't work out and I was in there for 20 days over 4 or 5 diff stays, with 10 days being my longest.... and my NOW ex-husband of 13 years went "bonkers" (and that is putting it extremely nice!!!!!) and he was abusive and horrible to me and the girls while I was at my worst.... even with 4 more surgeries and a pic line for 7 weeks after, and my fibro flared and I was left alone with a 7 and an 11 year old.... and that Christmas, I had to take my daughters to 7-11 for chili chz dogs cuz he was so so mean..... and he signed up for the military and left for 5 months in jan of 08. while i was sick in the hospital end of 07, he was like 34 at the time, he signed up for the national guard... to prove himself, be disciplined, be a man, get in shape so he can look like the cover of men's health (yes, he said that even), but now it was all for his family.... he tells me, i left you TEMPORARILY, i didn't leave the marriage.... but BEFORE he signed up for the military I said no, don't do it, if you do, that;s it... the recruiter just wants his #s... plz don't do it, please.... he did, and when I said i wanted a divorce it was my fault, cuz we had a rule that we wudn't mention the "D" word wile fiting.... like that rule applies to petty stuff and hello! HE hurt me and my girls so bad.... and now, he still hurts me and thinks it's ok, cuz I deserve it cuz i don't want to work out the marriage.... we tried end of 08, but it didn't work, cuz he is rigid, he makes everyone live by rules but he doesn't have to cuz he has compared himself to Jesus when it comes to leaving me and joining the military... he is so awful, and he is so vindictive.... what's ironic, i came from a VERY disfunctional home, just me and my mom, and i met him (we are legally seperated and have been for a few years now), anyway, went from my mom to him, wen i was barely turning 17 yrs old....i look now, omg, my mom, my incubator as I now like to call her, is so selfish and a lot like my ex.... and hurtful, vindictive and spiteful.... and i try everything in the book... nothing i do will ever be good enuf and until i will see how BAD and AWFUL i am, he will have to treat me like this, cuz i need to see it, well, guess what?!? we aren't together for a reason.... and the holidays are just bringing so many memories and emotions that I feel like crying... i did wile typing this.... omg, i feel way better.... thanks and i understand if you didn't read it all.... just had to get those feelings out.... tx again!!!! ♥
And a wonderful lady replied:Crazy-ness miss! Can't wait to talk to you more! My response to that: i feel crazy!! im gonna be 36 in a few months and i shouldn't be feeling this way!!! i've been doing a lot of research on childhood abuse and i am "de-thawing" and it sux!!! but I have God, and I know with Him I can make it thru anything, and He also blessed me with the most wonderful daughters in the world.... and I know it will be ok, but right now im a non-functioning, or should i say auto-pilot functioning blubbering mess.....
Once I started typing a flood gate of tears opened, but even though I still felt somewhat alone, I also felt connected to some wonderful women as well!! I am gonna try and get some sleep. It is 4 am and I feel like I can finally rest and my mind will let me and my emotions are more stable.... I think I can lay down now without just curling up and crying and get some sleep... til next time, Me
I let it out while in a closed group on fb and here is what I wrote: There was a woman whose story included chronic pain and numbing it with vodka, therapy, and issues with men.... here was my response:
I can so relate, your story about vodka and pain, therapy, and life feeling like it is out of control!! And I don't think the holidays are helping, at least they're not for me!!! I am struggling with a case of horrible insomnia... I feel like if I stop I will just burst into tears i feel so much crap, and it's not just my health, my ex-husband, omg, he is awful, esp around the holidays and he came over and "waylayed" me the other day about picking on every little thing, when he was SUPPOSED to be picking up the girls, but no, 25 min he went off in front of them.... my oldest was like, is it pick on mom Nite dad? And you know what else really sucks, I had a partial hyst (uter only only) end of 07, my marriage at the time was already SO strained, we had even looked at moving and relocating, but it didn't work out and my surgery didn't work out and I was in there for 20 days over 4 or 5 diff stays, with 10 days being my longest.... and my NOW ex-husband of 13 years went "bonkers" (and that is putting it extremely nice!!!!!) and he was abusive and horrible to me and the girls while I was at my worst.... even with 4 more surgeries and a pic line for 7 weeks after, and my fibro flared and I was left alone with a 7 and an 11 year old.... and that Christmas, I had to take my daughters to 7-11 for chili chz dogs cuz he was so so mean..... and he signed up for the military and left for 5 months in jan of 08. while i was sick in the hospital end of 07, he was like 34 at the time, he signed up for the national guard... to prove himself, be disciplined, be a man, get in shape so he can look like the cover of men's health (yes, he said that even), but now it was all for his family.... he tells me, i left you TEMPORARILY, i didn't leave the marriage.... but BEFORE he signed up for the military I said no, don't do it, if you do, that;s it... the recruiter just wants his #s... plz don't do it, please.... he did, and when I said i wanted a divorce it was my fault, cuz we had a rule that we wudn't mention the "D" word wile fiting.... like that rule applies to petty stuff and hello! HE hurt me and my girls so bad.... and now, he still hurts me and thinks it's ok, cuz I deserve it cuz i don't want to work out the marriage.... we tried end of 08, but it didn't work, cuz he is rigid, he makes everyone live by rules but he doesn't have to cuz he has compared himself to Jesus when it comes to leaving me and joining the military... he is so awful, and he is so vindictive.... what's ironic, i came from a VERY disfunctional home, just me and my mom, and i met him (we are legally seperated and have been for a few years now), anyway, went from my mom to him, wen i was barely turning 17 yrs old....i look now, omg, my mom, my incubator as I now like to call her, is so selfish and a lot like my ex.... and hurtful, vindictive and spiteful.... and i try everything in the book... nothing i do will ever be good enuf and until i will see how BAD and AWFUL i am, he will have to treat me like this, cuz i need to see it, well, guess what?!? we aren't together for a reason.... and the holidays are just bringing so many memories and emotions that I feel like crying... i did wile typing this.... omg, i feel way better.... thanks and i understand if you didn't read it all.... just had to get those feelings out.... tx again!!!! ♥
And a wonderful lady replied:Crazy-ness miss! Can't wait to talk to you more! My response to that: i feel crazy!! im gonna be 36 in a few months and i shouldn't be feeling this way!!! i've been doing a lot of research on childhood abuse and i am "de-thawing" and it sux!!! but I have God, and I know with Him I can make it thru anything, and He also blessed me with the most wonderful daughters in the world.... and I know it will be ok, but right now im a non-functioning, or should i say auto-pilot functioning blubbering mess.....
Once I started typing a flood gate of tears opened, but even though I still felt somewhat alone, I also felt connected to some wonderful women as well!! I am gonna try and get some sleep. It is 4 am and I feel like I can finally rest and my mind will let me and my emotions are more stable.... I think I can lay down now without just curling up and crying and get some sleep... til next time, Me
Monday, December 5, 2011
Basic Rights in a Relationship
Basic Rights in a Relationship
If you have been involved in emotionally abusive relationships, you may not have a clear idea of what a healthy relationship is like. Evans (1992) suggests the following as basic rights in a relationship for you and your partner:
The right to good will from the other.
The right to emotional support.
The right to be heard by the other and to be responded to with courtesy.
The right to have your own view, even if your partner has a different view.
The right to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real.
The right to receive a sincere apology for any jokes you may find offensive.
The right to clear and informative answers to questions that concern what is legitimately your business.
The right to live free from accusation and blame.
The right to live free from criticism and judgment.
The right to have your work and your interests spoken of with respect.
The right to encouragement.
The right to live free from emotional and physical threat.
The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage.
The right to be called by no name that devalues you.
The right to be respectfully asked rather than ordered.
If you have been involved in emotionally abusive relationships, you may not have a clear idea of what a healthy relationship is like. Evans (1992) suggests the following as basic rights in a relationship for you and your partner:
The right to good will from the other.
The right to emotional support.
The right to be heard by the other and to be responded to with courtesy.
The right to have your own view, even if your partner has a different view.
The right to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real.
The right to receive a sincere apology for any jokes you may find offensive.
The right to clear and informative answers to questions that concern what is legitimately your business.
The right to live free from accusation and blame.
The right to live free from criticism and judgment.
The right to have your work and your interests spoken of with respect.
The right to encouragement.
The right to live free from emotional and physical threat.
The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage.
The right to be called by no name that devalues you.
The right to be respectfully asked rather than ordered.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
holiday time
So the holidays are upon us and it can be horrible at times!!! The bright light, the big blow up Christmas decorations, the music, the commercials, all the stuff that inevitably comes with the holidays and Christmas, well, can be too much at times. I feel like the lights are visually screaming at me.... AHHH!!!! I will be so glad when they are done. Even for the safety on the road as think about it; all those Christmas lights and decorations, they are distractions when driving!!! Something to think about.... Careful driving and making it through.... And keep the positive for the kids and keep trying to see all the glitter, bling, joy, and holiday spirit through their eyes, with God's help, and it will be a blessed Christmas, not cuz of monetary, but cuz of my girls!!!
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Christmas Memories
Another late night and I can't sleep....and I can feel the past creeping in on me..... Holiday.... they suck in ALOT of ways!! Why is it that the bad is forever etched in our memories, but the little things can slip through the cracks of your memory (what little I have left of mine, lol).
Christmas and Holidays means a new way, new traditions, happy memories, memories filled with love.... maybe some tears, and definitely some laughter, but most importantly, love! I have my own Christmas horror story with my mom, and as I think back, (my daughters are the age I was, hmmmm, coincidence, something to ask my therapist?!? ), I remember that memory and and it makes me very sad to be honest. Yes, anger, but mostly, this sadness.... and a realization as to why I think I don't really do the "whole Christmas tree thing".
But worse than my memory, and even though the cycle is broken, there was a time when my children's father was not very loving and that is to put it mildly. In the end of 07, not just mine, but the girls lives were turned upside down, their dad just left and their mom was sick and then went nuts for a while >> that mom would be me, and I am forever sorry for that time when I was not there for them like they needed.
Christmas that year was horrible! And it is not just a painful memory for me, but for them as well, especially my oldest who remembers the most.... She has to write a story for school... she going to call it a "7-11 Christmas", because we went there for chili dogs on Christmas due to a "turkey disaster" and their father's rage..... she doesn't want me to read the story, because she is trying to protect me and thinks it will make me sad. I shared with her my "Christmas Tree Trauma" from my mom and it hurts me soooo much that she has to have one of those memories etched in her as well. I hope she will share with me, but I can't push it.
This year, I have to work on being there, not talking bad about there father, even in the little things that I think are no big deal, and I know that they will never have a memory like that as long as I can help it. I believe with my heart of hearts that they will not marry someone with the potential for the abuse that has been inflicted on them. It is not now, and he is not that way now, his biggest regret is that he did what he did and crossed lines he shouldn't have.... It has taken years to get to this point and will take many more to get to a point of true peace....
I wish painful memories could be deleted, like bink, push the delete button and it's gone... but it's not that way real life works. You can't just click an X in a corner of a box and it's gone... in computer settings you can even go in and delete the history, but once again, this can not be done in real life. The only real way to let it go is to give it to God. Give Him your burdens, your sorrow, your anger, let Him carry it, He is big enough. Sometimes professional counseling is needed and there is no shame in that, major child-hood abuse plays a huge role in your life as an adult.... any abuse does, but the more the severity of it, the worse its effects are as an adult. <3
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
indelibly marked
Coming from a dysfunctional home has affected me in so many ways.... emotionally, physically, and spiritually! I can honestly say I broke the cycle, not on my own by any mean, but by the grace of God and His help, I was able to conquer and overcome! It makes it hard to make attachments, we feel insecure, and it ripples over into your life.....
I remember moving out of my house when I was barely 17, thought this was the answer and it was, I had to get away from the woman that is my mother..... She had gone crazier than normal, was malicious and mean.... I remember crying night after night, "Mom, I miss you, I still need you, why don't you love me?" Now I can look back and know she did in her own weird way and that she couldn't love me with a healthy love.... you can't give what you don't have....
My own kids, they will NEVER have to endure what I went through, and they will never cry wondering if I love them, let alone think I don't! They will never doubt my love is my goal, and so far so good! lol I see them, at their young age, so impressionable and so vulnerable... A person could get in their heads and mush it all up and then it takes years and the damage is irreversible and changes them forever, indelibly marked by abuse, it will change a child into the person they are and who they ultimately turn out to be as well.
I hope and pray that with all the negative and bad that my kids learn, that they will know that I always love them unconditionally..... that even though I have been shaped by abuse, that they will have a compassion and empathy by knowing what I went through.... And that they know that I love them NO MATTER WHAT they could ever possibly do, they will NEVER spend a night crying wondering and thinking that I don't love them.
I know God chose me and called me out and blessed me with two amazing daughters and I thank Him for them everyday and as much as I love them, I hope they know or will know at least someday, that He loves them EVEN more and calls them by name.... Some people, myself included, have been scarred by abuse, and as mentioned earlier, indelibly marked, but God can also leave an indelible mark of His love and He will NEVER EVER let go.... even when people fail them, when I mess up and hurt them at times, may they know that they are loved!!! indelibly loved!! <3
I remember moving out of my house when I was barely 17, thought this was the answer and it was, I had to get away from the woman that is my mother..... She had gone crazier than normal, was malicious and mean.... I remember crying night after night, "Mom, I miss you, I still need you, why don't you love me?" Now I can look back and know she did in her own weird way and that she couldn't love me with a healthy love.... you can't give what you don't have....
My own kids, they will NEVER have to endure what I went through, and they will never cry wondering if I love them, let alone think I don't! They will never doubt my love is my goal, and so far so good! lol I see them, at their young age, so impressionable and so vulnerable... A person could get in their heads and mush it all up and then it takes years and the damage is irreversible and changes them forever, indelibly marked by abuse, it will change a child into the person they are and who they ultimately turn out to be as well.
I hope and pray that with all the negative and bad that my kids learn, that they will know that I always love them unconditionally..... that even though I have been shaped by abuse, that they will have a compassion and empathy by knowing what I went through.... And that they know that I love them NO MATTER WHAT they could ever possibly do, they will NEVER spend a night crying wondering and thinking that I don't love them.
I know God chose me and called me out and blessed me with two amazing daughters and I thank Him for them everyday and as much as I love them, I hope they know or will know at least someday, that He loves them EVEN more and calls them by name.... Some people, myself included, have been scarred by abuse, and as mentioned earlier, indelibly marked, but God can also leave an indelible mark of His love and He will NEVER EVER let go.... even when people fail them, when I mess up and hurt them at times, may they know that they are loved!!! indelibly loved!! <3
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
On Abuse
On abuse:
"The younger the victim, the more vulnerable he is. The more developmental skills and life experiences uncontaminated by trauma a child has, the more he has to draw on in the face of trauma. When life goes well, and children are loved and protected, each day is like a deposit in a savings account. Neglect, repeated physical abuse or sexual assault...or other life-threatening events, make huge withdrawals on the account. The more a child has in the bank when the trauma occurs, the better the prognosis for a quick recovery. Small children who are repeatedly traumatized usually have few deposits and easily become emotionally bankrupt.
In troubled families, the thinking around who is responsible is convoluted at best. Abusive parents externalize, blaming other people, places and things for their behavior. They compensate by controlling everyone around them. But...in their heart of hearts...they feel out of control. They must blame others because it is too painful to take responsibility for their unhappiness. Children are easy targets because they cannot challenge their parent's thinking errors. Few children can argue when facing an enraged mother. Hearing accusations often enough, children come to believe that they are responsible for their parent's troubled behavior.
Feelings begin in the body, not in the mind. Many survivors say, "I know what happened wasn't my fault, but I still feel somewhat unlovable and damaged. My self-worth is measured by how other people see me. My head knows that is wrong, but my heart feels differently. Thinking comes much more easily to me...it's still a big risk to feel. If I ever started to cry, I'd cry a river. If I ever felt the terror of it all, I'd disintegrate into nothingness."
Beyond teaching children to recognize and articulate their feelings, parents help children to contain and express feelings constructively. When children do not learn how to do this they may become overwhelmed by them, experiencing them as floods. They may come to fear or loathe their feelings.
Adults from abusive homes can also become pain-avoidant. Survivors attempt to control the people and events around them so that they will never feel pain again.
What is most tragic about pain-avoidant behavior is that it is a defense against something that has already happened and cannot be undone. A survivor cannot live fully in the present until he or she has the past in perspective. Sometimes being preoccupied and defensive about the pain waiting in the future is just a distraction from addressing the real pain in the past.
To be intimate is to risk pain. There are no guanantees. To miss years of loving to avoid the pain of loss is too high a price to pay.
When the losses engendered by trauma are fully mourned, the trauma loses its power over the survivor. Instead of the emotional breakdown they feared...survivors experience an emotional breakthrough! Completing the grieving process means divorcing the trauma from one's sense of identity and self-worth.
(from the blog: http://adultsurvivors.blogspot.com/)
*I am currently looking to see if there is a link between fibro/chronic pain and childhood abuse. Also, I have really been struggling lately... i don't know if it's cuz my girls are the age I was when it was hell, or if it's cuz in breaking the cycle I see all I endured and who my mother is now.... I am going to look into some counseling and have an appt tomorrow to check into it.
little of me, where I'm at today
I have often wondered if there was a link between childhood abuse and fibromyalgia or other type chronic pain conditions.... I don't think we'll ever fully know if there is a link, but the one thing I do know is that by having a childhood filled with abuse and dysfunction, it is harder and harder when dealing with life as an adult.
I have hit the "wonderful" age of 35 and hitting on 36 soon.... heading straight to 40, noooo!!!!!! And as I get older and my kids get older, by brain can go... and my heart, as a mom, and a person, feels so much! I love being a mom and love having children.... But along with having the good and wonderful and even awe-inspiring at times, it can be so hard with my past and at times it rears it's ugly head...... Having chronic pain doesn't help, it's another weight that can weigh me down, heavy and suffocating and leaving me feeling alone...
Another of the many other thoughts that bounce through my head, it is their age, that I was their age when I endured the worst of my mother's rage and wrath? I spent the first half going through abuse and the second half burying my past, locking it up and throwing away the key, and THEN doing it ALL different!! And that is A choice... I love my kids and I CHOOSE to do different by them! Never in a million years could I do to them what was done to me! NEVER!!! (And this has taken therapy, I truly believe that to overcome such violent and traumatic pasts that it does take help and trained professionals are so helpful!! )
So I will continue to persevere, go forward, and get the help I need to be able to have a peace with the past.... maybe I will write a book, my daughters tell me I should, but they also say it would make them cry. I try not too make others cry from my memories, I try not to cry with them.... Life today is hard enough with just being a single mom.... and having fibro, now I get to deal with the past, woot-woot!! But it will be ok, the present is, the past is gone and the future, God holds it. I may not know or see what is in store for me and my life.... I see the gray and blahs and other times the brightness that comes from my kids and my family and friends... those that I really love and those that love me... I am so thankful for the family I have today and know that not only have I made their lives different by being such an integral part of it, but they have change mine forever as well!!! Thank You Lord for all You have blessed me with, everyday, even when I have a hard time seeing it.....
I have hit the "wonderful" age of 35 and hitting on 36 soon.... heading straight to 40, noooo!!!!!! And as I get older and my kids get older, by brain can go... and my heart, as a mom, and a person, feels so much! I love being a mom and love having children.... But along with having the good and wonderful and even awe-inspiring at times, it can be so hard with my past and at times it rears it's ugly head...... Having chronic pain doesn't help, it's another weight that can weigh me down, heavy and suffocating and leaving me feeling alone...
Another of the many other thoughts that bounce through my head, it is their age, that I was their age when I endured the worst of my mother's rage and wrath? I spent the first half going through abuse and the second half burying my past, locking it up and throwing away the key, and THEN doing it ALL different!! And that is A choice... I love my kids and I CHOOSE to do different by them! Never in a million years could I do to them what was done to me! NEVER!!! (And this has taken therapy, I truly believe that to overcome such violent and traumatic pasts that it does take help and trained professionals are so helpful!! )
So I will continue to persevere, go forward, and get the help I need to be able to have a peace with the past.... maybe I will write a book, my daughters tell me I should, but they also say it would make them cry. I try not too make others cry from my memories, I try not to cry with them.... Life today is hard enough with just being a single mom.... and having fibro, now I get to deal with the past, woot-woot!! But it will be ok, the present is, the past is gone and the future, God holds it. I may not know or see what is in store for me and my life.... I see the gray and blahs and other times the brightness that comes from my kids and my family and friends... those that I really love and those that love me... I am so thankful for the family I have today and know that not only have I made their lives different by being such an integral part of it, but they have change mine forever as well!!! Thank You Lord for all You have blessed me with, everyday, even when I have a hard time seeing it.....
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