I have recently found "my voice". For years I was dominated by a woman who told me how to think and feel, and as a young child I learned NOT to trust my own voice.... Now, I have found that I can trust my own experiences, have my point of view, and my feelings and emotions about something, even if someone else feels differently.... If nothing else, I have found me, and my voice, and not just that, but the quiet voice of God, guiding me through this process of recovery and regaining my strength.
From a support group I am in, they too, are sharing.... opening up, not being afraid of the truth... and willing to share it if it helps others.... Here are their stories, and in reading them, you may find yourself in them and realize, you too, have a voice, and don't be afraid to speak up, cuz the truth really will set you free, if not, we will continue with destructive relationships without even realizing it....
*names changed
Adam's story:
I AM a survivor of child abuse. No longer will I hide behind the folds of smiles and masks that pretend normalcy and only keep the family secret alive. I will be bold in who I am because we are all broken in some way, and I can only learn healthier ways to live when the secret is spoken to anyone who might be able to help me. I will not get embarrassed and silent when others talk about their childhood. I will learn when to speak boldly and truthfully. No, child abuse does not define me! It gives me an experience of strength that God can turn into beauty. But do not tell me to move on and avoid the past. It stares at me every time I try to trust again or seek to make friendships. I can't run from it any more! I did that for way too long and learned that running away from it doesn't work. I will look at it and learn! How can I let go and forgive if I don't first see what I have been holding? How can I grieve the childhood I lost and the years and friendships that were hurt unless I know why? How can I avoid destructive relationships unless I see how my abuse leads me into them? Soon, the smile on my face will not be broken by small situations triggering me! Soon, I will rejoice with friends and God that I am truly free from my past! I am a survivor of child abuse. And I speak loudly because it is the truth...and maybe one other person will hear and break their silence. I AM a survivor of child abuse! That means I survived and triumphed!
Sarah's Story in response to Adam:
I just want to say that it is so refreshing and inspirational to read this post. You expressed it so well, and I can surely identify. The very first thing that hit me when I read it was the absence of 'fear' in it, and that is so important in this journey of recovery because fear can keep us so 'stuck'. What I see in it is that you broke free of being stuck, and can move forward with confidence - owning your 'truth' - your 'own' truth. And in the final analysis, we all have our 'own' truth because I have found that no one else lived the life that I lived. Even siblings don't have 'exactly' the same life experience - due to their roles in the family. Who can really know what we experienced but 'we' ourselves. And we owe it to ourselves to 'own' it, and never let anyone take it from us.
I had my truth robbed from me very early in life by the means of fear, guilt and shame - effective tactics of abusers - so I lived the first 41 years in total denial of all truth, and in the process, I lost my 'self'. With no strong and healthy 'self', it was like a I was at the mercy of the wind and rain - most definitely those who told me what to do, what to think, and even what to believe. The beginning of recovery was to recover my 'self' from the rubble of my past - to go back and see how, when and where I lost it to begin with. One thing you said in your post reminded me of an experience I had, back then. My family had a great emotional hold on my mind, so I had to stay away from them as I did my work of finding my answers. Of course, this was totally unacceptable to them, and they used everything they could to 'get me back in line', so to speak. My mind was so vulnerable, I couldn't even speak on the phone to them, or read anything they sent me. I remember my mother sent me a book called "Forgive and Forget". And the first thing that hit me was "I have to 'remember' before I can 'forget'". I needed the 'truth' of my life and my past to be able to understand myself better, and also, to find the wounds that needed healing.
I guess I should have realized then that it was never going to be an easy journey - this journey of recovery - and it hasn't been 'easy' - but it is very 'simple'. And it's a fantastic journey that I wouldn't trade for anything because with every answer I have found in myself, there has been an equal step of growth - an overcoming of a fear that held me back. Not that we never 'feel' fear or sadness, or any other emotion - we do. But there comes a times when we can simply 'feel' our emotions without being slaves to them. We can 'feel' them without letting them dictate our behaviors. We can 'feel' them, and then just let them go.
Years ago, I pondered what the word 'success' means. And I am sure my definition is different than most of the world's. I have never had a lot of money, or owned a big house, or had a prestigious job, but I know that I am more 'successful' than most people because I know how far I have come - from where I started to where I am - and how much I have overcome.
I share your sentiments that if my story just helps one person find what I have found, it will be worth it. Thank you for this post. I know that "flesh and blood has not revealed this truth to you". The same Jesus that heals, and reveals truth to me, can also reveal it to someone half a world away - the same 'truth'. The names and faces may be the different but the 'truth' is always the same.
There is so much paradox involved in recovery. It is only by seeing ourselves of 'victims' of abuse, and dealling with that truth, that we can come to a place of being able to 'not' live as victims throughout our lives. It is the only the people who fear going back and seeing their pasts that end up being 'victims' of their past. The Truth does set us free!!!
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Thursday, February 16, 2012
What a child thinks
I found this on fb.... it shows the abuse by the parent and the thinking it instills in the children.... and how it trickles into your adulthood thinking as well....
Dont Suffer In SilenceA young child does not have the intelligence to decipher and make valid interpretations about possible abusive brainwashing techniques. Children naturally believe their parents’ admonitions and can’t reconcile the fact that their parents are purposely damaging their psyches. So, to maintain a connection to their abusive and/or neglectful parent(s), a child will turn the blame inward. Just like when parents divorce, the child thinks it is his/her fault.
Listed below are the messages used by perpetrators (P) to get their selfish needs met. Following each method is how a child (C) interprets these messages – ones, that if not challenged, will stay with that person for life.[1]
P: You want this to happen. You love it.
C: I wanted it, therefore, I am bad.
P: If you tell, Mother will hate you; Mother will kill herself; I will kill you; I will kill myself.
C: I have the power to destroy my family; their survival depends on me. Telling the secret equals death.
P: If you don’t do this, I will do it to your brother or sister.
C: I have the power to keep my family safe; it is my sole responsibility; I must sacrifice myself.
P: You’re disgusting; you’re dirty; you’re shit.
C: I am bad to the core. This happened because I deserved it. I must never let anyone know me, or they will find out how bad I am. I don’t deserve anything good in my life. I deserve to be punished.
P: Don’t make a sound; don’t let Daddy hear us.
C: It’s dangerous to speak, show feelings, or ask for help.
P: You’re so pretty (handsome), I can’t help myself.
C: I’m seductive and manipulative. I can’t control myself. It’s my fault that he lost control. I deserve to be punished. I must make myself unattractive.
P: Come here and let me love on you. You know I love you.
C: Love hurts. Sex and nurturance are the same.
P: I’m going to teach you to be a man (woman).
C: Being a man (woman) means being hurt or hurting someone else.
P: Don’t cry or I’ll give you something to cry about.
C: What I experienced wasn’t that bad. Showing my pain or fear is dangerous.
P: Shut up! You know I’m not hurting you.
C: I can’t trust my own experience. Someone else must tell me what is real.
P: If you say “No” again, I’ll ask your brother to come in and help me.
C: I have no power. I’m always outnumbered. I don’t have the right to say “No.”
P: We don’t talk about our family with anybody else. It’s none of their business.
C: I have to look happy and be nice. I must never tell. This has never happened to anyone but me. It’s so bad, I can never tell.
P: We take care of each other because no one else will.
C: I cannot trust anyone outside the family.
P: Don’t say those things about your uncle.
C: No one will ever believe me or help me. Maybe I just imagined it.
P: You only have three A’s on your report card; wait for me in your room. You’re going to pay for this.
C: If I’m good, maybe he won’t hurt me. If I’m perfect, no one will see how bad I am inside.The next time someone asks you, “Why didn’t you tell someone?” hand them this list.
*This is not mine, but wanted to share it: original title Don't Suffer in Silence
Dont Suffer In SilenceA young child does not have the intelligence to decipher and make valid interpretations about possible abusive brainwashing techniques. Children naturally believe their parents’ admonitions and can’t reconcile the fact that their parents are purposely damaging their psyches. So, to maintain a connection to their abusive and/or neglectful parent(s), a child will turn the blame inward. Just like when parents divorce, the child thinks it is his/her fault.
Listed below are the messages used by perpetrators (P) to get their selfish needs met. Following each method is how a child (C) interprets these messages – ones, that if not challenged, will stay with that person for life.[1]
P: You want this to happen. You love it.
C: I wanted it, therefore, I am bad.
P: If you tell, Mother will hate you; Mother will kill herself; I will kill you; I will kill myself.
C: I have the power to destroy my family; their survival depends on me. Telling the secret equals death.
P: If you don’t do this, I will do it to your brother or sister.
C: I have the power to keep my family safe; it is my sole responsibility; I must sacrifice myself.
P: You’re disgusting; you’re dirty; you’re shit.
C: I am bad to the core. This happened because I deserved it. I must never let anyone know me, or they will find out how bad I am. I don’t deserve anything good in my life. I deserve to be punished.
P: Don’t make a sound; don’t let Daddy hear us.
C: It’s dangerous to speak, show feelings, or ask for help.
P: You’re so pretty (handsome), I can’t help myself.
C: I’m seductive and manipulative. I can’t control myself. It’s my fault that he lost control. I deserve to be punished. I must make myself unattractive.
P: Come here and let me love on you. You know I love you.
C: Love hurts. Sex and nurturance are the same.
P: I’m going to teach you to be a man (woman).
C: Being a man (woman) means being hurt or hurting someone else.
P: Don’t cry or I’ll give you something to cry about.
C: What I experienced wasn’t that bad. Showing my pain or fear is dangerous.
P: Shut up! You know I’m not hurting you.
C: I can’t trust my own experience. Someone else must tell me what is real.
P: If you say “No” again, I’ll ask your brother to come in and help me.
C: I have no power. I’m always outnumbered. I don’t have the right to say “No.”
P: We don’t talk about our family with anybody else. It’s none of their business.
C: I have to look happy and be nice. I must never tell. This has never happened to anyone but me. It’s so bad, I can never tell.
P: We take care of each other because no one else will.
C: I cannot trust anyone outside the family.
P: Don’t say those things about your uncle.
C: No one will ever believe me or help me. Maybe I just imagined it.
P: You only have three A’s on your report card; wait for me in your room. You’re going to pay for this.
C: If I’m good, maybe he won’t hurt me. If I’m perfect, no one will see how bad I am inside.The next time someone asks you, “Why didn’t you tell someone?” hand them this list.
*This is not mine, but wanted to share it: original title Don't Suffer in Silence
Friday, February 10, 2012
A Dozen Do's and Don'ts for Fair Fighting
1. Speak from an "I" position. (I thin,, I feel, I believe, I wish, I fear). A true "I" position conveys your own experience and reactions without criticizing or blaming the other. Watch out for "pseudo-position" or "disguised you" positions. ("I feel you need to control everything").
2. Sort out who owns the problem. Get clear on the boundaries of individual responsibly. Let people own their own problems and take responsibility for their own reactions.
3. Avoid "below the belt" tactics, (example: blaming, interpreting, diagnosing, labeling, analyzing, preaching, moralizing, ordering, warning, interrogating, ridiculing, lecturing, distracting, withdrawing, probing.) Don't put the other person down.
4. Confine yourself to one issue at a time. Always stay in the here and now. Bringing up the past is a diversionary tactic. There may be a time to discuss past grievances, but not during a fight.
5. Talk in specifics. avoid generalities and vague complaints. If the other person is vague ("your're insensitive," "You don't give enough," "Your difficult to work with") request clarification, including specific examples.
6. Avoid mind-reading. Never assume you or your partner know or should know what has not been explicitly stated in words.
7. A cold withdrawal is dirty fighting; taking time out to get a clear and centered is reasonable and fair.
8. Listen carefully to others and be receptive to feedback. If you begin to get defensive, go into "active listening".
9. Learn to apologize quickly when an apology is due, before things escalate. Learn also to say, "I don't know," "I'm not sure," "I'm not clear," and "I need more time to sort out where I stand on that."
10. Never tell another person what she/he thinks or feels, or "should" think or feel. If another attacks your thoughts and feelings, you do not need to provide logical arguments to back them. Better to calmly say, "well, it may seem crazy or irrational to you, but this is the way I feel".
11. Learn to appreciate that there are multiple realities. If you are fighting about who has "The Truth", you may be missing the point. Differing views of reality and conflicting wishes and preferences don't mean one person is "wrong". Your legitimate anger does not mean the other person is to blame.
12. REMEMBER! THE ONLY PERSON YOU CAN CHANGE IS YOURSELF! DON'T TRY TO CHANGE OR CONTROL ANOTHER PERSON. IT DOESN'T WORK.
2. Sort out who owns the problem. Get clear on the boundaries of individual responsibly. Let people own their own problems and take responsibility for their own reactions.
3. Avoid "below the belt" tactics, (example: blaming, interpreting, diagnosing, labeling, analyzing, preaching, moralizing, ordering, warning, interrogating, ridiculing, lecturing, distracting, withdrawing, probing.) Don't put the other person down.
4. Confine yourself to one issue at a time. Always stay in the here and now. Bringing up the past is a diversionary tactic. There may be a time to discuss past grievances, but not during a fight.
5. Talk in specifics. avoid generalities and vague complaints. If the other person is vague ("your're insensitive," "You don't give enough," "Your difficult to work with") request clarification, including specific examples.
6. Avoid mind-reading. Never assume you or your partner know or should know what has not been explicitly stated in words.
7. A cold withdrawal is dirty fighting; taking time out to get a clear and centered is reasonable and fair.
8. Listen carefully to others and be receptive to feedback. If you begin to get defensive, go into "active listening".
9. Learn to apologize quickly when an apology is due, before things escalate. Learn also to say, "I don't know," "I'm not sure," "I'm not clear," and "I need more time to sort out where I stand on that."
10. Never tell another person what she/he thinks or feels, or "should" think or feel. If another attacks your thoughts and feelings, you do not need to provide logical arguments to back them. Better to calmly say, "well, it may seem crazy or irrational to you, but this is the way I feel".
11. Learn to appreciate that there are multiple realities. If you are fighting about who has "The Truth", you may be missing the point. Differing views of reality and conflicting wishes and preferences don't mean one person is "wrong". Your legitimate anger does not mean the other person is to blame.
12. REMEMBER! THE ONLY PERSON YOU CAN CHANGE IS YOURSELF! DON'T TRY TO CHANGE OR CONTROL ANOTHER PERSON. IT DOESN'T WORK.
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