facing the hurts

It's quiet in the house and the girls are both out with friends.... The other day I heard that April was "Childhood Awareness Month". My Birthday, April Fool's Day! It really is!! So my first thought, Is this some cosmic joke? There's the anger part.... and then the more politically correct answer is, Childhood abuse is no laughing matter as the latter part of the sentence. As I am in therapy and dealing with stuff and actually facing it, it has been hard and painful.... lots of tears and much frustration just touch the surface how all this makes me feel. Then not only the childhood abuse part, but also losing my husband, (not to death) but to the bonds that hold him and his new identity. We all change, and I know that I have fallen, hurt and been hurt, but hopefully in the end, growth and strength. I know it will take time and I have to give myself time to heal, and I will walk this dark valley, and I know that even though I can't see Him, God is VERY real and will not let go of me. It doesn't mean I won't stumble in my humanity and even trip and maybe hit the ground, but in the end, His touch, His hand over my life, He will keep me from going completely under and will keep me from drowning in the painful ocean of hurts that seem to be tossing me all about... Even though the therapy is very emotional and sometimes very hard, I am going to continue. I feel that this is where I need to be and with this (and God) I will be able to heal and not carry the shame of it being mine ever again!

This Mother's Day

Mother's day has come and gone... another year without you in my life.... and i feel stronger than I have in a long time.... I was "emotionally struggling" right up to this day, but once it was here, my kids and my family and friends made it WONDERFUL!! And I think I must be healing, know, I know I am, cuz I was able to actually enjoy today FOR ME!! I love you girls and you are what keeps me gong right now.... and God, never letting me go, even if I feel lost in the fog, trying to hold on, but I know You are holding me (and mines). ♥

what's been going on

I haven't posted much lately... lots of health issues and basicly two teen age daughters and single motherhood.... so hard and feel so burned out and worn out..... doc tried me on some new med, didn't work at all.... foggy, off, cry, forgetful, it's not good (depakote er).... good to know it's med induced at least..... got an update on my abusive mother I don't and can't have a relationship with.... tried once as an adult, been almost 20 years since I moved back, and it is what it is and I can't change that.... so here's what is supposedly going on.... according to my aunt, my mom's health is bad.... she's smoked my whole life and now hers, and she won't quit, idk if it's to get attention or my attention, she faked cancer and blamed me when I was a kid.... but she could be.... but it's been 19 years since I moved out, my mom disowned me cuz she is an all or nothing person and abusive..... it may sound weird, but it felt good to know she was alive and well out there tho..... I am giving this one to God!!! have to.... over and over if I HAVE to!!! thanks for letting me vent and all the support!! ♥

from facebook

Sometimes families have hurt us so much and so bad, we do feel this way. I know for me, I had an "absantee father", still do, even tho he knows me and even proclaimed to want to be a dad (that was when I was an adult and he called me about it), but in the end, just like when I was a teen, just like when I became a new young mom without a mom of my own..... I remember all the tears I cried over him, and in order for me to heal, I had to "let him go", not out of anger, but to protect myself and my heart from getting hurt over and over and over.....

*I wrote this with a pic on Facebook that said "someday you'll cry for me like I cried for you. Someday you'll miss me like I missed you. Someday you'll need me like I needed you. Someday you'll love me, but I won't love you.

Alcoholic Insanity

..... No words can tell of the loneliness and despair I found in that bitter morass of self-pity. Quicksand stretched around me in all directions. I had met my match. I had been overwhelmed. Alcohol was my master. (upon finding out that he had to quit drinking or he would die)

It was only a matter of being willing to believer in a Power greater than myself. Nothing more was required of me to make my beginning......... There I humbly offered myself to God, as I then understood Him, to do with me as He would... Something at work in a human heart which had done the impossible. I have not had a drink since. Simple, but not easy.... (The core of AA, realizing we CAN'T do it on our own)


*from the book Alcoholics Anonymous, Bill W, co-founder of AA

ptsd in an adult survivor of childhood abuse

Post Traumatic Stress In Adult Survivors Of Child Abuse

Trauma specialists believe that "what is most tragic about child abuse and neglect is the exploitation of the child's attachment to the parent." To be sure, it is far easier to abuse one's own children, precisely because their love and loyalty to the parent render them much more compliant than they would be to a stranger. It is exactly this attachment exploitation that teaches children they are not safe in a relationship to other human beings.

Physical abuse itself does not cause trouble. Most people have had physical injuries, fractures or burns during childhood due to purely accidental causes and they have not been harmed by it because they have been comforted and cared for by good caregivers at the time of the incident. Damage comes when the injuries are inflicted by those to who one looks for love and protection, and there is no relief from the trauma. It is the emotional and psychological setting in which the sexual maltreatment occurs, and with whom it has occured, that makes the difference and causes lasting damage.

Children are born into the world absolutely dependent and helpless. They depend on others for food, warmth, cleanliness and protection from threat. Children's natural and healthy helplessness is transformed into terror and dispair when those needs are ignored, or when a parent plays "let's make a deal" with those needs.

Childhood should be a time of no-risk dependency. Many children, in desperation, learn to care prematurely for themselves...at the expense of trust in others, emotional growth and self-acceptance. Unfortunately, try as they might, such children can never absolutely ensure their survival, simply because it is never absolutely within their control.

Try as they might, parents cannot always protect their children from trauma. A relative dies. The house burns down. The child witnesses a fatal car accident. The child is molested by someone outside the family and terrorized into keeping the secret. Yet, children can survive intact emotionally if adults provide them with a sense of safety and well-being in the aftermath of traumatic events.

Realistic, protective and compassionate treatment by adults can become more meaningful than the trauma itself, thus lessening its after-effects. However, when the source of the trouble is within the family, realism, protection and comapssion are usually in short supply. It is often not so much what actually happened that causes the "persistant negative effects" of trauma, as it is the absence of healing responses...what didn't happen afterward.

Suppose that in the midst of a tornado a child sought comfort and protection from his parents and was told, "What tornado? It's a beautiful day...Go outside and play." That's how crazy and unsafe the world seems to some children. Some survivors have tried to tell the truth about the abuse and were called liars or accused of being responsible for the abuser's behavior.

When a victim or survivor is disbelieved, shamed, threatened into silence, or when the disclosure is minimized or becomes cause for punishment, the trauma inflicted by willful ignorance compounds the original trauma. Children can withstand a lot with the help of other people; conversely, the denial or rejection of children's normal thoughts and feelings about trauma can cause as much pain as the original trauma.

To minimize the damage of trauma, children also need protection from further harm. But in troubled families it is not in the abuser's best interest to teach the child how to prevent further abuse. The nonprotective parent who denies or minimizes the abuse is usually passive. The child is usually left on his own to figure out the best way to protect himself.

Survivors rarely, if ever, benefitted from the compassionate and reasonable reactions that would have lessened the effects of their troubled childhoods. Given the enormity of what didn't happen after their traumas, it isn't surprising that they entered adulthood numb and anxious, or both. Protective numbing and reactive anxiety are, after all, normal reactions to abnormal situations.

Clearly, people were not meant to be physically or sexually abused. Human beings are not equipped to understand abuse as it happens, not to feel the full force of their physiological response at the time. And they cannot, at that moment, find meaning in the experience of the abuse. Each of these important elements of accomodation can only happen later, in distinct stages.

Survivors commonly speak of how they endured trauma by pretending that their mind and spirit had gone to a safer place, leaving the body behind to endure the abuse.

Abused children abandon reality, dissociating mind from body so they won't be overwhelmed and their ability to cope won't be shattered. Even a relatively minor trauma can provoke dissociation until a person is later able to integrate the experience. "Later", in the case of chronic abuse, particularly where the child has no support, may mean years later.

In the short run, dissociation is a very effective defense, walling off what cannot be accomodated. Sometimes the actual memory of the abuse goes into deep freeze. An incident in the present may trigger strong feelings that really belong to an incident in the past. The survivor may become enraged by what merely annoys others, devastated when others are momentarily sad, panicked when others are just worried. Present events tap into a deep well of feelings whose source remains alusive.

When asked what the worst memory from their childhood is, many survivors reply, "My worst memory has yet to surface."

Sometimes only the feelings go into deep freeze. Some suvivors have perfect, excruciating detailed recall of the abuse itself, but are numb to their feelings. Their hearts are in deep freeze. They do fine when they are not provoked to feel too much. They may avoid friendships and romance, or enter into them only on their own terms. They believe their feelings are as troublesome and overwhelming today as their parents once told them they were. They are numb to feelings as a way to keep control.

Many survivors ask, "If I don't remember the trauma, or if I don't have strong feelings about it, isn't that better?" Dissociation eventually takes far more effort than it is worth. The more we try not to, the more feelings and thoughts assert themselves, unconsciously demanding our attention. It takes an enormous toll to keep perfectly legitimate memories and feelings about childhood trauma in deep freeze. In the long run, one is better letting the thaw happen, and with the support of others, participating in some manner of "cure" that will allow life to go on.

Some survivors don't know they have a highly recognizable and treatable anxiety disorder called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), which has been associated with survivors of the Vietnam War, the Holocaust, mass murders, natural disasters, rape, kidnapping, accidents, torture, and other extraordinary events.

People with PTSD often re-experience the trauma in their minds. When the memory brings on a physiological response or feeling this is called an abreaction. (The release of emotional tension through the recalling of a repressed traumatic event.) Often the situation that brings on the abreaction is reminiscent of the original trauma.

An abreaction could be triggered by something someone says, circumstances such as the press of a crowd, being left totally alone, a darkened room...or even a particular time of the year, smells, touch, tastes...or other things associated with the trauma. Suddenly, the survivor is transported as if in a time machine to the event of the original trauma and reacts with the emotional intensity that would have been appropriate then, though not now. During an abreaction it is difficult to distinguish "what was" from "what is".

Herein lies the Achilles Heels for survivors. They function well in many aspects of life until they encounter the events or circumstances that are likely to trigger abreactions: emotional vulnerability, physical illness or evasive medical procedures, struggles with authority figures, cultural oppression or abandonment, to name a few.

A person with PTSD lives with a persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma or numbing of general responsiveness. Survivors with PTSD may avoid any intimate connection, often resulting in feelings of detachment or estrangement from others. Survivors often have highly developed social skills and may seem to be extremely extroverted, but their dealings with others may preclude vulnerability. They can talk about movies or work or the weather, but they have difficulty expressing their feelings. Or, they may have constricted feelings. They may be unable to identify and express a wide range of emotions, particularly the anger, fear and sadness so closely associated with the original traumatic events.

Certain circumstances can make the disorder longer lasting and more severe. If a trauma is repeated, for instance, as in chronic physical or sexual abuse, then the disorder might persist more than it would after only one incident. Repitition does not make one immune to the consequences of trauma. Rather, it has a cumulative effect, as unresolved trauma is layered upon unresolved trauma.

Traumatic events that are human in origin seem to have more severe after-effects than natural disasters. Hurtful and frightening as it is to be raped by a stranger, or to be in the path of a natural disaster, the creation of a personal disaster by a loved one is vastly more bewildering and overwhelming.

Another circumstance that contributes to the persistance of PTSD is the victim's age. The younger the victim, the more vulnerable he is. The more developmental skills and life experiences uncontaminated by trauma a child has, the more he has to draw on in the face of trauma. When life goes well, and children are loved and protected, each day is like a deposit in a savings account. Neglect, repeated physical abuse or sexual assault...or other life-threatening events, make huge withdrawals on the account. The more a child has in the bank when the trauma occurs, the better the prognosis for a quick recovery. Small children who are repeatedly traumatized usually have few deposits and easily become emotionally bankrupt.

When the survivor is ready to deal with it, memories and feelings begin to reconnect. He or she remembers, with the mind and feelings, instead of dismembering through dissociation.

The beginning of reconnection is usually attibuted to the fortuitous occurence of a trigger - an event or circumstance obviously associated with or reminiscent of the original trauma. There must also always be the simultaneous occurence of a positive trigger before the reconnection can begin. For instance, the survivor may have found someone trustworthy to talk to (therapist, friend, partner, support group) and may finally feel safe and sane enough to explore and accept her feelings.

The pain and disorientation can be balanced by focusing on the positive trigger. During this process, survivors should ask themselves, "Why now? Why didn't I remember this two years ago? Five years ago?" The answer lies in the conjunction of this trigger, along with the negative one, which tells the survivor "you can afford to reconnect now...you have the power, judgement, insight and support that you truly did not have as a child. It is safe enough."

Walling off parts of the trauma was once the solution to an unbearable situation. Eventually, it causes problems in the mind, heart and spirit, in one's relationships with the child within and others, and in one's work. Trauma, if left unresolved, is destined to be re-enacted in one of those vital aspects of the self.

To recognize that a mother is exploiting you for her own ends, or that a father is unjust and tyrannical, or that neither parent ever wanted you, is intensely painful. Moreover, it is frightening. Given any loophole, most children will seek to see their parent's behavior in some more favorable light. This natural bias of children is easy to exploit.

It is not just the child's body that is abused or neglected. Troubled families mess with a child's mind. Virtually all survivors believe that their ability to think, to intellectually master the challenges in their lives, was of of their greatest strengths as children. Like other coping mechanisms, their over-reliance on rationality fell into obsolesence and became one of their greater weaknesses.

Children struggle to make some sense of a loved one's abusive and neglectful treatment. If the child understood what abuse really was, a random and violent imposition of another's will onto a relatively helpless person, he would despair at such hopelessness and betrayal. Therefore, he uses every mental effort to make himself seem in greater control while transforming the abusive parent into the safe and loving caretaker he so desperately needs. Such lies of the mind require mental gymnastics.

Children don't do this thinking in a vacuum. In some situations they are told what to think. In most cases they are influenced by the abuser's faulty thinking and by the rationalization of the adults who passively enable the abuse to go on. Children hear what those powerful adults say and what they don't say.

On top of the abuse and neglect, denial heaps more hurt upon the child by requiring the child to alienate herself from reality and her own experience. In troubled families, abuse and neglect are permitted; it's the talking about them that is forbidden.

Minimization is a thinking error designed to protect the injured self, making one seem a little less injured. The need for it can lessen as the survivor can afford to embrace the full reality of the past. (Refraining from denial is an act of courage for survivors. They have to choose quite literally between being alienated from themselves and reality...or being alienated from family members who still deny abuse.)

In troubled families, the thinking around who is responsible is convoluted at best. Abusive parents externalize, blaming other people, places and things for their behavior. They compensate by controlling everyone around them. But...in their heart of hearts...they feel out of control. They must blame others because it is too painful to take responsibility for their unhappiness. Children are easy targets because they cannot challenge their parent's thinking errors. Few children can argue when facing an enraged mother. Hearing accusations often enough, children come to believe that they are responsible for their parent's troubled behavior.

Unfortunately, children receive an internal psychological payoff when they believe the abuse is their fault...a false sense of power. The child can let the unfairness and danger of the violence shatter him, or he can tell himself, "I'm not frightened or angry or sad or helpless or innocent. There is nothing wrong with this situation. This is happening to me for a good reason. This is happening to me because I deserve it, because I provoked it, because I was put here on Earth to endure such things. There is really nothing out of the ordinary about this."

The child is doing the best he or she can do to make sense out of the abuse or neglect, by feeling guilty and responsible, thereby holding on to the illusion that he or she is in control of what is truly out of control. This illusion of power seems better than acknowledging that one has no power at all. Such pseudologic quells feelings of hurt, rage, terror, confusion or sadness...rationalizing them into a deep freeze.

The child's sense of guilt and responsibility is useful to the abusive parent, who believes he isn't abusive..that it is the child who forces him into being abusive. The nonprotective adults want the child to bear the guilt so they won't have to face the harm their neglect is causing. So...the dance of the violent family begins: Children are responsible for adult's behavior...adults are responsible for nothing.

Faced with random, senseless abuse, a child begins to think herself as inherently unlovable.

Believing oneself to be guilty, responsible, or in control of others' hurtful behavior can be a tenacious habit. Many survivors deal with any overwhelming experience - physical illness, abandoment by a friend or spouse, academic or job demands - by "comforting" themselves with the illusion that they are in fact in control and to blame. An enormous amount of energy is sapped by this irrational guilt.

Rarely do survivors see themselves as so powerful over the good in their own lives. Here, their parent's constant projection has left it's mark. Many survivors, convinced of their inherent worthlessness and inadequacy, look to other people, places and things for salvation. Only when they have the "perfect intimate partner, their dream house, or public recognition for their work" will they be redeemed. Of course, anything so powerful to save their lives might also destroy their lives, which brings the survivor back full circle to his original feeling of powerlessness. Reasponsible for all the pain in the world...he is inept at enjoying his own happiness.

Fantasy, as a coping mechanism can also be a weakness. Too often fantasies become more real than relationships. Survivors may fantasize a lot about what other people think or feel about them.

Trauma influences our ways of organizing in our minds what goes on out in the world. Survivors who have not fared well in life tend to think in sweeping generalities...people are either good or bad, with no gray area in between. Everything is "always" or "never", with no room for "doesn't matter much." In contrast, some survivors have thinking that is highly compartmentalized.

Children simply do not have the cognitive development or life experience for clear thinking in the face of trauma. Their thinking errors reflect their best attempt to comprehend the incomprehensible...when the truth wasn't offered or allowed. A first step to recovery, then, is to examine, challenge, and change these old ways of thinking about trauma.

The goal of sorting through the lies of the mind is to learn to take the abuse less personally, and thereby to feel safer. By looking back, the powerful adult mind can more objectively measure the powerlessness of the traumatized child.

Thinkly clearly may not be the entire answer, but it is an excellent and necessary beginning. Emerson wrote: "It is the oyster who mends its shell with pearls." But, unlike oysters, we are not solitary creatures. We mend one another as well as ourselves. Pearls of wisdom help us to take the next step...to heal in the company of other people, feeling the effects of the trauma while we hold onto our life rafts.

Feelings begin in the body, not in the mind. Many survivors say, "I know what happened wasn't my fault, but I still feel somewhat unlovable and damaged. My self-worth is measured by how other people see me. My head knows that is wrong, but my heart feels differently. Thinking comes much more easily to me...it's still a big risk to feel. If I ever started to cry, I'd cry a river. If I ever felt the terror of it all, I'd disintegrate into nothingness."

Children don't innately know how to repress their spontaneous responses. They have to be taught, and troubled parents are perhaps the best teachers of all. There are three iron-clad rules in the abusive home: Don't talk. Don't trust. Don't feel. To break any of them means risking rejection or punishment.

One of the few predictable aspects of a violent family is the unpredictablity of the parent's responses. Every time the child cries, he gets a different response. Soon he realizes that it is unsafe to cry. After a while, he keeps his feelings to himself and perhaps loathes spontaneity because it causes so much trouble.

Young children offer their feelings to adults as gifts, as their currency of exchange in intimacy. All they can do to be close to adults is to offer their feelings. When their feelings are ignored or rejected as wrong, bad, troublesome, sick, crazy or stupid...they feel rejected. The young mind reasons "since my feelings are unacceptable, I must be unacceptable, too."

Beyond teaching children to recognize and articulate their feelings, parents help children to contain and express feelings constructively. When children do not learn how to do this they may become overwhelmed by them, experiencing them as floods. They may come to fear or loathe their feelings.

Adults from abusive homes can also become pain-avoidant. Survivors attempt to control the people and events around them so that they will never feel pain again.

What is most tragic about pain-avoidant behavior is that it is a defense against something that has already happened and cannot be undone. A survivor cannot live fully in the present until he or she has the past in perspective. Sometimes being preoccupied and defensive about the pain waiting in the future is just a distraction from addressing the real pain in the past.

To be intimate is to risk pain. There are no guanantees. To miss years of loving to avoid the pain of loss is too high a price to pay.

Survivors attempt to flee from feelings about having been abused, from normal reactions to an abnormal situation. Because that situation was life-threatening in the past, some survivors mistakenly believe that to experience those feelings today would also be life-threatening, would bring on an emotional breakdown, a falling apart akin to death. They do not understand that the breakdown has already happened, when their feelings were preempted by shame.

A survivor can afford to look that "death" squarely in the face when he has people who will stand by him, as well as the insight and power he did not have as a child. When it is finally safe enough, the survivor will remember the memories and feel the feelings about the trauma. Such a "thawing out" is a second chance, an emotional reincarnation. Still...the first sensations that have been repressed or avoided all of one's life can feel like a tidal wave.

When he is ready, the thoughts and feelings return. In response to what has been uncovered, he often feels great anger at the betrayal itself and the injustice and randomness of the violence.

Underneath that anger is a terror and helplessness that is more difficult to experience than the anger. ("Maybe it wasn't as bad as I remember. Maybe I'm just exaggerating.") This can go on for a long time, but with the help of others, the survivor will eventually accept that the trauma was as bad as he knows it was.

Profound sadness follows. This compassionate acceptance of "poor me" and the mourning of the losses that the trauma created eventually lead to resolution.

When the losses engendered by trauma are fully mourned, the trauma loses its power over the survivor. Instead of the emotional breakdown they feared...survivors experience an emotional breakthrough! Completing the grieving process means divorcing the trauma from one's sense of identity and self-worth.

(this is not my article, but I found it online and it speaks VOLUMES, so had to share it along)C:\Users\Bree\Desktop\childhood abuse info\Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - Adult Survivors Of Child Abuse_files\Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - Adult Survivors Of Child Abuse.htm--->orig. article site

Found Voices

I have recently found "my voice". For years I was dominated by a woman who told me how to think and feel, and as a young child I learned NOT to trust my own voice.... Now, I have found that I can trust my own experiences, have my point of view, and my feelings and emotions about something, even if someone else feels differently.... If nothing else, I have found me, and my voice, and not just that, but the quiet voice of God, guiding me through this process of recovery and regaining my strength.

From a support group I am in, they too, are sharing.... opening up, not being afraid of the truth... and willing to share it if it helps others.... Here are their stories, and in reading them, you may find yourself in them and realize, you too, have a voice, and don't be afraid to speak up, cuz the truth really will set you free, if not, we will continue with destructive relationships without even realizing it....

*names changed

Adam's story:
I AM a survivor of child abuse. No longer will I hide behind the folds of smiles and masks that pretend normalcy and only keep the family secret alive. I will be bold in who I am because we are all broken in some way, and I can only learn healthier ways to live when the secret is spoken to anyone who might be able to help me. I will not get embarrassed and silent when others talk about their childhood. I will learn when to speak boldly and truthfully. No, child abuse does not define me! It gives me an experience of strength that God can turn into beauty. But do not tell me to move on and avoid the past. It stares at me every time I try to trust again or seek to make friendships. I can't run from it any more! I did that for way too long and learned that running away from it doesn't work. I will look at it and learn! How can I let go and forgive if I don't first see what I have been holding? How can I grieve the childhood I lost and the years and friendships that were hurt unless I know why? How can I avoid destructive relationships unless I see how my abuse leads me into them? Soon, the smile on my face will not be broken by small situations triggering me! Soon, I will rejoice with friends and God that I am truly free from my past! I am a survivor of child abuse. And I speak loudly because it is the truth...and maybe one other person will hear and break their silence. I AM a survivor of child abuse! That means I survived and triumphed!

Sarah's Story in response to Adam:
I just want to say that it is so refreshing and inspirational to read this post. You expressed it so well, and I can surely identify. The very first thing that hit me when I read it was the absence of 'fear' in it, and that is so important in this journey of recovery because fear can keep us so 'stuck'. What I see in it is that you broke free of being stuck, and can move forward with confidence - owning your 'truth' - your 'own' truth. And in the final analysis, we all have our 'own' truth because I have found that no one else lived the life that I lived. Even siblings don't have 'exactly' the same life experience - due to their roles in the family. Who can really know what we experienced but 'we' ourselves. And we owe it to ourselves to 'own' it, and never let anyone take it from us.

I had my truth robbed from me very early in life by the means of fear, guilt and shame - effective tactics of abusers - so I lived the first 41 years in total denial of all truth, and in the process, I lost my 'self'. With no strong and healthy 'self', it was like a I was at the mercy of the wind and rain - most definitely those who told me what to do, what to think, and even what to believe. The beginning of recovery was to recover my 'self' from the rubble of my past - to go back and see how, when and where I lost it to begin with. One thing you said in your post reminded me of an experience I had, back then. My family had a great emotional hold on my mind, so I had to stay away from them as I did my work of finding my answers. Of course, this was totally unacceptable to them, and they used everything they could to 'get me back in line', so to speak. My mind was so vulnerable, I couldn't even speak on the phone to them, or read anything they sent me. I remember my mother sent me a book called "Forgive and Forget". And the first thing that hit me was "I have to 'remember' before I can 'forget'". I needed the 'truth' of my life and my past to be able to understand myself better, and also, to find the wounds that needed healing.

I guess I should have realized then that it was never going to be an easy journey - this journey of recovery - and it hasn't been 'easy' - but it is very 'simple'. And it's a fantastic journey that I wouldn't trade for anything because with every answer I have found in myself, there has been an equal step of growth - an overcoming of a fear that held me back. Not that we never 'feel' fear or sadness, or any other emotion - we do. But there comes a times when we can simply 'feel' our emotions without being slaves to them. We can 'feel' them without letting them dictate our behaviors. We can 'feel' them, and then just let them go.

Years ago, I pondered what the word 'success' means. And I am sure my definition is different than most of the world's. I have never had a lot of money, or owned a big house, or had a prestigious job, but I know that I am more 'successful' than most people because I know how far I have come - from where I started to where I am - and how much I have overcome.

I share your sentiments that if my story just helps one person find what I have found, it will be worth it. Thank you for this post. I know that "flesh and blood has not revealed this truth to you". The same Jesus that heals, and reveals truth to me, can also reveal it to someone half a world away - the same 'truth'. The names and faces may be the different but the 'truth' is always the same.

There is so much paradox involved in recovery. It is only by seeing ourselves of 'victims' of abuse, and dealling with that truth, that we can come to a place of being able to 'not' live as victims throughout our lives. It is the only the people who fear going back and seeing their pasts that end up being 'victims' of their past. The Truth does set us free!!!

What a child thinks

I found this on fb.... it shows the abuse by the parent and the thinking it instills in the children.... and how it trickles into your adulthood thinking as well....


Dont Suffer In SilenceA young child does not have the intelligence to decipher and make valid interpretations about possible abusive brainwashing techniques. Children naturally believe their parents’ admonitions and can’t reconcile the fact that their parents are purposely damaging their psyches. So, to maintain a connection to their abusive and/or neglectful parent(s), a child will turn the blame inward. Just like when parents divorce, the child thinks it is his/her fault.

Listed below are the messages used by perpetrators (P) to get their selfish needs met. Following each method is how a child (C) interprets these messages – ones, that if not challenged, will stay with that person for life.[1]

P: You want this to happen. You love it.
C: I wanted it, therefore, I am bad.

P: If you tell, Mother will hate you; Mother will kill herself; I will kill you; I will kill myself.
C: I have the power to destroy my family; their survival depends on me. Telling the secret equals death.

P: If you don’t do this, I will do it to your brother or sister.
C: I have the power to keep my family safe; it is my sole responsibility; I must sacrifice myself.

P: You’re disgusting; you’re dirty; you’re shit.
C: I am bad to the core. This happened because I deserved it. I must never let anyone know me, or they will find out how bad I am. I don’t deserve anything good in my life. I deserve to be punished.

P: Don’t make a sound; don’t let Daddy hear us.
C: It’s dangerous to speak, show feelings, or ask for help.

P: You’re so pretty (handsome), I can’t help myself.
C: I’m seductive and manipulative. I can’t control myself. It’s my fault that he lost control. I deserve to be punished. I must make myself unattractive.

P: Come here and let me love on you. You know I love you.
C: Love hurts. Sex and nurturance are the same.

P: I’m going to teach you to be a man (woman).
C: Being a man (woman) means being hurt or hurting someone else.

P: Don’t cry or I’ll give you something to cry about.
C: What I experienced wasn’t that bad. Showing my pain or fear is dangerous.

P: Shut up! You know I’m not hurting you.
C: I can’t trust my own experience. Someone else must tell me what is real.

P: If you say “No” again, I’ll ask your brother to come in and help me.
C: I have no power. I’m always outnumbered. I don’t have the right to say “No.”

P: We don’t talk about our family with anybody else. It’s none of their business.
C: I have to look happy and be nice. I must never tell. This has never happened to anyone but me. It’s so bad, I can never tell.

P: We take care of each other because no one else will.
C: I cannot trust anyone outside the family.

P: Don’t say those things about your uncle.
C: No one will ever believe me or help me. Maybe I just imagined it.

P: You only have three A’s on your report card; wait for me in your room. You’re going to pay for this.
C: If I’m good, maybe he won’t hurt me. If I’m perfect, no one will see how bad I am inside.The next time someone asks you, “Why didn’t you tell someone?” hand them this list.


*This is not mine, but wanted to share it: original title Don't Suffer in Silence

A Dozen Do's and Don'ts for Fair Fighting

1. Speak from an "I" position. (I thin,, I feel, I believe, I wish, I fear). A true "I" position conveys your own experience and reactions without criticizing or blaming the other. Watch out for "pseudo-position" or "disguised you" positions. ("I feel you need to control everything").

2. Sort out who owns the problem. Get clear on the boundaries of individual responsibly. Let people own their own problems and take responsibility for their own reactions.

3. Avoid "below the belt" tactics, (example: blaming, interpreting, diagnosing, labeling, analyzing, preaching, moralizing, ordering, warning, interrogating, ridiculing, lecturing, distracting, withdrawing, probing.) Don't put the other person down.

4. Confine yourself to one issue at a time. Always stay in the here and now. Bringing up the past is a diversionary tactic. There may be a time to discuss past grievances, but not during a fight.

5. Talk in specifics. avoid generalities and vague complaints. If the other person is vague ("your're insensitive," "You don't give enough," "Your difficult to work with") request clarification, including specific examples.

6. Avoid mind-reading. Never assume you or your partner know or should know what has not been explicitly stated in words.

7. A cold withdrawal is dirty fighting; taking time out to get a clear and centered is reasonable and fair.

8. Listen carefully to others and be receptive to feedback. If you begin to get defensive, go into "active listening".

9. Learn to apologize quickly when an apology is due, before things escalate. Learn also to say, "I don't know," "I'm not sure," "I'm not clear," and "I need more time to sort out where I stand on that."

10. Never tell another person what she/he thinks or feels, or "should" think or feel. If another attacks your thoughts and feelings, you do not need to provide logical arguments to back them. Better to calmly say, "well, it may seem crazy or irrational to you, but this is the way I feel".

11. Learn to appreciate that there are multiple realities. If you are fighting about who has "The Truth", you may be missing the point. Differing views of reality and conflicting wishes and preferences don't mean one person is "wrong". Your legitimate anger does not mean the other person is to blame.

12. REMEMBER! THE ONLY PERSON YOU CAN CHANGE IS YOURSELF! DON'T TRY TO CHANGE OR CONTROL ANOTHER PERSON. IT DOESN'T WORK.