Christmas Memories

Another late night and I can't sleep....and I can feel the past creeping in on me..... Holiday.... they suck in ALOT of ways!! Why is it that the bad is forever etched in our memories, but the little things can slip through the cracks of your memory (what little I have left of mine, lol). 

Christmas and Holidays means a new way, new traditions, happy memories, memories filled with love.... maybe some tears, and definitely some laughter, but most importantly, love! I have my own Christmas horror story with my mom, and as I think back, (my daughters are the age I was, hmmmm, coincidence, something to ask my therapist?!? ), I remember that memory and and it makes me very sad to be honest. Yes, anger, but mostly, this sadness.... and a realization as to why I think I don't really do the "whole Christmas tree thing".

But worse than my memory, and even though the cycle is broken, there was a time when my children's father was not very loving and that is to put it mildly. In the end of 07, not just mine, but the girls lives were turned upside down, their dad just left and their mom was sick and then went nuts for a while >> that mom would be me, and I am forever sorry for that time when I was not there for them like they needed. 

Christmas that year was horrible! And it is not just a painful memory for me, but for them as well, especially my oldest who remembers the most.... She has to write a story for school... she going to call it a "7-11 Christmas", because we went there for chili dogs on Christmas due to a "turkey disaster" and their father's rage..... she doesn't want me to read the story, because she is trying to protect me and thinks it will make me sad. I shared with her my "Christmas Tree Trauma" from my mom and it hurts me soooo much that she has to have one of those memories etched in her as well. I  hope she will share with me, but I can't push it. 

This year, I have to work on being there, not talking bad about there father, even in the little things that I think are no big deal, and I know that they will never have a memory like that as long as I can help it. I believe with my heart of hearts that they will not marry someone with the potential for the abuse that has been inflicted on them. It is not now, and he is not that way now, his biggest regret is that he did what he did and crossed lines he shouldn't have.... It has taken years to get to this point and will take many more to get to a point of true peace.... 

I wish painful memories could be deleted, like bink, push the delete button and it's gone... but it's not that way real life works. You can't just click an X in a corner of a box and it's gone... in computer settings you can even go in and delete the history, but once again, this can not be done in real life. The only real way to let it go is to give it to God. Give Him your burdens, your sorrow, your anger, let Him carry it, He is big enough. Sometimes professional counseling is needed and there is no shame in that, major child-hood abuse plays a huge role in your life as an adult.... any abuse does, but the more the severity of it, the worse its effects are as an adult. <3

indelibly marked

Coming from a dysfunctional home has affected me in so many ways.... emotionally, physically, and spiritually! I can honestly say I broke the cycle, not on my own by any mean, but by the grace of God and His help, I was able to conquer and overcome! It makes it hard to make attachments, we feel insecure, and it ripples over into your life.....

I remember moving out of my house when I was barely 17, thought this was the answer and it was, I had to get away from the woman that is my mother..... She had gone crazier than normal, was malicious and mean.... I remember crying night after night, "Mom, I miss you, I still need you, why don't you love me?" Now I can look back and know she did in her own weird way and that she couldn't love me with a healthy love.... you can't give what you don't have....

My own kids, they will NEVER have to endure what I went through, and they will never cry wondering if I love them, let alone think I don't! They will never doubt my love is my goal, and so far so good! lol   I see them, at their young age, so impressionable and so vulnerable... A person could get in their heads and mush it all up and then it takes years and the damage is irreversible and changes them forever, indelibly marked by abuse, it will change a child into the person they are and who they ultimately turn out to be as well.

I hope and pray that with all the negative and bad that my kids learn, that they will know that I always love them unconditionally..... that even though I have been shaped by abuse, that they will have a compassion and empathy by knowing what I went through.... And that they know that I love them NO MATTER WHAT they could ever possibly do, they will NEVER spend a night crying wondering and thinking that I don't love them.

I know God chose me and called me out and blessed me with two amazing daughters and I thank Him for them everyday and as much as I love them, I hope they know or will know at least someday, that He loves them EVEN more and calls them by name.... Some people, myself included, have been scarred by abuse, and as mentioned earlier, indelibly marked, but God can also leave an indelible mark of His love and He will NEVER EVER let go.... even when people fail them, when I mess up and hurt them at times, may they know that they are loved!!! indelibly loved!! <3

On Abuse

On abuse:

"The younger the victim, the more vulnerable he is. The more developmental skills and life experiences uncontaminated by trauma a child has, the more he has to draw on in the face of trauma. When life goes well, and children are loved and protected, each day is like a deposit in a savings account. Neglect, repeated physical abuse or sexual assault...or other life-threatening events, make huge withdrawals on the account. The more a child has in the bank when the trauma occurs, the better the prognosis for a quick recovery. Small children who are repeatedly traumatized usually have few deposits and easily become emotionally bankrupt. 

In troubled families, the thinking around who is responsible is convoluted at best. Abusive parents externalize, blaming other people, places and things for their behavior. They compensate by controlling everyone around them. But...in their heart of hearts...they feel out of control. They must blame others because it is too painful to take responsibility for their unhappiness. Children are easy targets because they cannot challenge their parent's thinking errors. Few children can argue when facing an enraged mother. Hearing accusations often enough, children come to believe that they are responsible for their parent's troubled behavior.

Feelings begin in the body, not in the mind. Many survivors say, "I know what happened wasn't my fault, but I still feel somewhat unlovable and damaged. My self-worth is measured by how other people see me. My head knows that is wrong, but my heart feels differently. Thinking comes much more easily to me...it's still a big risk to feel. If I ever started to cry, I'd cry a river. If I ever felt the terror of it all, I'd disintegrate into nothingness."

Beyond teaching children to recognize and articulate their feelings, parents help children to contain and express feelings constructively. When children do not learn how to do this they may become overwhelmed by them, experiencing them as floods. They may come to fear or loathe their feelings.

Adults from abusive homes can also become pain-avoidant. Survivors attempt to control the people and events around them so that they will never feel pain again.

What is most tragic about pain-avoidant behavior is that it is a defense against something that has already happened and cannot be undone. A survivor cannot live fully in the present until he or she has the past in perspective. Sometimes being preoccupied and defensive about the pain waiting in the future is just a distraction from addressing the real pain in the past.

To be intimate is to risk pain. There are no guanantees. To miss years of loving to avoid the pain of loss is too high a price to pay.

When the losses engendered by trauma are fully mourned, the trauma loses its power over the survivor. Instead of the emotional breakdown they feared...survivors experience an emotional breakthrough! Completing the grieving process means divorcing the trauma from one's sense of identity and self-worth. 

(from the blog: http://adultsurvivors.blogspot.com/)

*I am currently looking to see if there is a link between fibro/chronic pain and childhood abuse. Also, I have really been struggling lately... i don't know if it's cuz my girls are the age I was when it was hell, or if it's cuz in breaking the cycle I see all I endured and who my mother is now.... I am going to look into some counseling and have an appt tomorrow to check into it. 

little of me, where I'm at today

I have often wondered if there was a link between childhood abuse and fibromyalgia or other type chronic pain conditions.... I don't think we'll ever fully know if there is a link, but the one thing I do know is that by having a childhood filled with abuse and dysfunction, it is harder and harder when dealing with life as an adult. 

I have hit the "wonderful" age of 35 and hitting on 36 soon.... heading straight to 40, noooo!!!!!! And as I get older and my kids get older, by brain can go... and my heart, as a mom, and a person, feels so much! I love being a mom and love having children.... But along with having the good and wonderful and even awe-inspiring at times, it can be so hard with my past and at times it rears it's ugly head......  Having chronic pain doesn't help, it's another weight that can weigh me down, heavy and suffocating and leaving me feeling alone...

Another of the many other thoughts that bounce through my head, it is their age, that I was their age when I endured the worst of my mother's rage and wrath? I spent the first half going through abuse and the second half burying my past, locking it up and throwing away the key, and THEN doing it ALL different!! And that is A choice... I love my kids and I CHOOSE to do different by them! Never in a million years could I do to them what was done to me! NEVER!!! (And this has taken therapy, I truly believe that to overcome such violent and traumatic pasts that it does take help and trained professionals are so helpful!! )

So I will continue to persevere, go forward, and get the help I need to be able to have a peace with the past.... maybe I will write a book, my daughters tell me I should, but they also say it would make them cry. I try not too make others cry from my memories, I try not to cry with them.... Life today is hard enough with just being a single mom.... and having fibro, now I get to deal with the past, woot-woot!! But it will be ok, the present is, the past is gone and the future, God holds it. I may not know or see what is in store for me and my life.... I see the gray and blahs and other times the brightness that comes from my kids and my family and friends... those that I really love and those that love me... I am so thankful for the family I have today and know that not only have I made their lives different by being such an integral part of it, but they have change mine forever as well!!! Thank You Lord for all You have blessed me with, everyday, even when I have a hard time seeing it.....