facing the hurts

It's quiet in the house and the girls are both out with friends.... The other day I heard that April was "Childhood Awareness Month". My Birthday, April Fool's Day! It really is!! So my first thought, Is this some cosmic joke? There's the anger part.... and then the more politically correct answer is, Childhood abuse is no laughing matter as the latter part of the sentence. As I am in therapy and dealing with stuff and actually facing it, it has been hard and painful.... lots of tears and much frustration just touch the surface how all this makes me feel. Then not only the childhood abuse part, but also losing my husband, (not to death) but to the bonds that hold him and his new identity. We all change, and I know that I have fallen, hurt and been hurt, but hopefully in the end, growth and strength. I know it will take time and I have to give myself time to heal, and I will walk this dark valley, and I know that even though I can't see Him, God is VERY real and will not let go of me. It doesn't mean I won't stumble in my humanity and even trip and maybe hit the ground, but in the end, His touch, His hand over my life, He will keep me from going completely under and will keep me from drowning in the painful ocean of hurts that seem to be tossing me all about... Even though the therapy is very emotional and sometimes very hard, I am going to continue. I feel that this is where I need to be and with this (and God) I will be able to heal and not carry the shame of it being mine ever again!

This Mother's Day

Mother's day has come and gone... another year without you in my life.... and i feel stronger than I have in a long time.... I was "emotionally struggling" right up to this day, but once it was here, my kids and my family and friends made it WONDERFUL!! And I think I must be healing, know, I know I am, cuz I was able to actually enjoy today FOR ME!! I love you girls and you are what keeps me gong right now.... and God, never letting me go, even if I feel lost in the fog, trying to hold on, but I know You are holding me (and mines). ♥

what's been going on

I haven't posted much lately... lots of health issues and basicly two teen age daughters and single motherhood.... so hard and feel so burned out and worn out..... doc tried me on some new med, didn't work at all.... foggy, off, cry, forgetful, it's not good (depakote er).... good to know it's med induced at least..... got an update on my abusive mother I don't and can't have a relationship with.... tried once as an adult, been almost 20 years since I moved back, and it is what it is and I can't change that.... so here's what is supposedly going on.... according to my aunt, my mom's health is bad.... she's smoked my whole life and now hers, and she won't quit, idk if it's to get attention or my attention, she faked cancer and blamed me when I was a kid.... but she could be.... but it's been 19 years since I moved out, my mom disowned me cuz she is an all or nothing person and abusive..... it may sound weird, but it felt good to know she was alive and well out there tho..... I am giving this one to God!!! have to.... over and over if I HAVE to!!! thanks for letting me vent and all the support!! ♥