A little about me

I go to write about trivial things, but my mind wanders and I know that I must face the demons inside of me. Under the surface, like fish in the sea that you can't see cuz the waters are too dark and murky. But then the sun comes and shines into the darkness and you can no longer escape the waves of tragedy and they swell and hit you full force when you least expect it.

I come from a very abusive home with a single mother who was literally incapable of taking care of herself, let alone a child. Sometimes I'm still angry, sometimes I feel sorry for her, and sometimes I feel sorry for me. For the child that was, to the woman that is. Her impact remains. I can honestly say I've broken free from the stronghold she once had over me, but her legacy left it's imprint. 

I have a birth father I don't really know. I feel like if he wanted to make an effort after nearly 40 years he would be in my life. But he's busy with his and his wife and his "real" children. I have a half brother and sister out there and they too say no to being in my life. Sad. It makes me sad. I wish things were different, but is is where the rubber tweets the road and you accept that "it is what is is". 

I accepted Christ when I was young and I truely believe he was my first love and even thought I've strayed, he is there to hold me, make me a better person, and will never let me go! He has changed my heart and I've done differently than my parents. Even different than my ex husband. He isn't really there, once in a while, but that too is for the girls to see on their own. I will not have them not have a relationship or hate their father because of my prejudices. 

It's been a long hard road and not done yet, one step at a time..... One foot in front of the other, and the cycle is broken one moment at a time. I have a long way to go, but I've come a long way too. Lots of wobbly steps but the saviour held my path and made sure I kept on the path he chose and keeps me on it and helps me to be different and break the cycle.